Saturday, July 18, 2009

beautiful.


I grew up feeling so insecure with my body and appearance. There were lots of reasons for it but what's important right now is that there came a point when I had totally worked it out, and the last five or six years, honestly, I'd come into the opinion that I'm pretty hot stuff.

The beauty archetype here in Dallas is pretty standard: tall, skinny, big boobs, flawless makeup and hair, expensive clothes, manicured nails, tan, etc etc. In other words, all things that I'm not. I don't walk into a room and turn heads or get called "hott" by any means, and I am so okay with that. I really, truly, loved myself.

I'm low maintenance and I like it that way. I wear jeans, t-shirts and Nikes or flats every day. If I go out I feel best in a very simple, sexy dress or vintage top - no jewelry. I don't wear makeup and don't feel like I need to (I tend to think every girl's face looks better without it). Despite my love/hate relationship with them, I am frequently complimented on the messy curls that top my head. I loved my pale skin and randomly placed freckles (especially the one on my jawline) and, as much as I complain about having stretch marks, at the end of the day I respected them and could live with them. I liked the way my eyes lit up and was even convinced at one point that I had a nice smile. I liked that my body is soft and feminine. I was confident and felt sexy.

So where...WHERE I ASK...has that gone?

Lately I feel like I have nothing to offer. Anyone who has read this blog knows I've had a rough year but, overall, I've really tried to maintain a sense of my own awesomeness. I thought it was secure enough that outside forces couldn't make me doubt it, but here I am caring what other people think. Over the past few months it has been alluded to that I'm a loser because I don't have many friends anymore (they've all moved), a horrible person because I broke someone's heart in a really awful way and now the person who I shared the most of myself with can no longer stand to be around me. I am not valued for my friendship, companionship, love, personality, awesomeness, femininity or looks. The last two just hit me.

This is probably a completely vain thing to talk about (or to admit that I'm thinking about) but it's really bothering me. Many of my favorite female bloggers have dealt with the "being comfortable/not being comfortable with the way I look" issue but what's irking me is that I was and now I'm not because I've let other people make me feel like I'm unattractive inside and out. That now I look in the mirror and rather than feeling sexy, I feel blah. I feel like it will be hard to let someone get close again (especially physically) and hard to share my awesome with people, because I don't feel so awesome anymore.

Meg, who keeps this wild and wily blog, has a "perfect body" initiative where women write in about why their bodies are perfect. It's inspiring and has helped encourage women to love the way they look. I want to get to a place where I have something to add to it. I want to be confident enough in my body to dance around in my underwear and drink a Slurpee every night because it makes me happy, confident enough in my face to allow it to smile widely like it used to. I want to be the woman I used to be who didn't care what you thought of her because she knew she was hot stuff.

3 comments:

  1. I love that blog, she's great. And I love this post. And I love that we're going to be together so soon. And I can't to hug you. I'm so excited!

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  2. And that comment sounds like I'm your boyfriend.

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  3. I love you, Brittan! You are and always will be hott stuff. Don't ever think otherwise.

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