Monday, January 18, 2010

Even after a great night

I am so sad.

I can't do this.

Good things: My friends are wonderful, wonderful people. The Golden Globes made me think about wearing beautiful dresses, which always puts me in a good mood. I laughed a lot. My apartment was full of lively, intelligent conversation and laughter all evening.

Still... ugh.

Yeah, I don't know. I don't feel good, can't sleep, keep dreaming about zombies. I feel very unfulfilled. I also feel 20 kinds of wrong about being away from B. In the grand scheme of things, I am doing exactly what I dreamed of doing and accomplishing some of my biggest goals. But right now, at 4 a.m. on a Monday, all I can think is "No, no, this isn't right. Nothing is right." I know I'm doing the wrong thing but I don't know how to fix it. I wish I had a partner in this that I could lean on, but I know that's not my story. It's my thing to be alone and awake in the middle of the night. It always has been and it always will be... but it's never been my thing to feel so far away from where I should be. I feel like someone's removed my heart but my body is still going. Maybe that's what's up with the zombies.

4 comments:

  1. Zombies? Now, they can't be good to dream about! And I should know, I dream about dead spacemen. Figure that one out!

    I sincerely hope you figure things out. So many people don't even try to figure out their problems. I believe that the more you push against a door, and seek different ways to open it, the more likely it is that it will open. Keep pushing; keep trying new ways.

    Hell, put on that dress and haunt a cafe for a while. Might help! Don't assume that it won't until you've tried it :)

    Steph x

    ReplyDelete
  2. if your heart's not inside of you.....then follow it.

    love ya girl. been thinkin' of you...no internet on the weekend sucks. at least i have my phone.

    must blog soon.

    xoxo

    ReplyDelete