Sunday, January 10, 2010

Here's what true:

1. B is unhappy with his school and our current situation.
2. B's school is unhappy that my NYU schedule is the exact opposite of what they require of their parents.
3. My pockets are empty.

When B went back to school this week after a long break (that his school wasn't happy about but was unavoidable for us), there had been a "miscommunication" and his desk had been cleared out, all of his stuff thrown away. His teachers were surprised and upset (true) to see him because they thought he wasn't coming back. He was so hurt and embarrassed. He yelled at me that all he wanted was to be a kid and play and not feel stressed. My heart broke. Without the time to find a proper solution to the three problems above that would also make my son happy, I decided to let him go back to Texas for this semester while I figure something better out.

There are people in my life who judge my coming here, I know that. But my Bachelors degree and honors were getting me nowhere, our future was not in Texas and things were no better there. Something had to be done. I'm not apologizing or feeling ashamed of the decisions I've made. I am extremely financially committed to my program and emotionally committed to the future I see for myself and B, we just have to figure out all the pieces to the puzzle (as Swinny says). I am lucky enough to have two sets of family who are more than willing to help, and friends who love me probably more than I deserve. I think in 10 years we will look back and say that coming to New York was the right thing to do. Either way, here we are.

Last night as he played "Let It Be" on the piano, I packed his bags and giant, silent tears fells from my face, soaking his stuffed animals. This morning he started to wake up, so I slipped my arms around him, pulled him tighter to me and told him to go back to sleep, I wasn't ready. He is gone now. I feel empty. The apartment is cold. A part of me has been removed and as it moves farther south, my body feels weaker and my heart hurts. But here we are. It's four months and I will spend Spring Break and his birthday with him. The next post will be full of all the positive things I can think of that will come out of this situation. Now, I let myself cry.

6 comments:

  1. When you were first telling me about the situation, and the weird scheduling of his school, I thought about suggesting that he stay in Texas, but didn't know if that was something I had the position to recommend. I think he will be happier, and it will hurt for a while, but you will have a son who knows that you would rather hurt and see him happy than the other way around. I love both of you, and if he ever needs a buddy he can call me and B & Aunt Wendy will go get ice cream or something.

    ReplyDelete
  2. You will make it through this. You two are strong and distance won't change that!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Oh wow. Thats..so hard. I dont even know how what to write.
    thanks for sharing though.
    Like nerver said- you'll be okay. Everything always works out in the end. I just hate waiting till the end.
    Drink some hot chocolate and watch a wonderful french film tonight

    ReplyDelete
  4. oh honey! I just read this and it made me cry. I can't imagine what you're going through, but I do know that you are a strong person and will definitely make it through. Be strong and know that you're making the choices that you need to make. I love you!

    ReplyDelete
  5. The fact is that as a parent you can only do your best.For most of us being a parent is a steep learning curve.
    Good luck.

    ReplyDelete