Wednesday, February 3, 2010


Things are hard right now. B is happy and doing so well, but I am selfish and I miss him. It's not just B, though. I miss my best friend and miss being loved.
I have great friends and a wonderful life. I am really lucky.
But it's hard right now to get out of bed. It's hard to keep my days straight. It's hard to try to be emotionally supportive when I just want to be angry. It's hard to smile and fix my hair and be fair to everyone and be effective at work and school.
Lately it's hard to sleep, be on time, find my train.
I may have had a major meltdown in Penn Station yesterday.

So. What to do?

For starters you can dry your eyes, remember that nothing and no one is worth feeling dead inside, find your damn train and get on it. That's what I did last night, even though I didn't want to. Just getting on the train was hard. A thousand memories ran through my head, my breath shortened. The exhaustion of three sleepless nights had set in.

But then I got to my stop, hugged my friend and things didn't seem so bad. Getting out of the city did worlds for my perspective. The snow was pretty, the diner food was dinery and the conversation was awesome. We talked about having things to look forward to. I rode back to the city feeling ashamed of myself for not being stronger. I've given myself till Tuesday (when I start at MoMA) to get my head together.

Right now I am working and I feel totally peaceful. This is my favorite time of day. I love inspecting film. I love the feel of it running through my hand, and all the bumps, knicks, warps and texture that make each one unique. I love watching the frames pass by like a tiny movie and mastering the art of winding it by hand. Look how perfect this wind is.
Note how you can see my hand through it. That means it's on a polyester base. Isn't it beautiful? It's Black Girl, a 1966 film by Ousmane Sembène.

I went from the lab to the projection booth, where I sit now listening to a lecture on American film during the Depression through my headphones. The projection booth is my favorite place in the whole world. This is my zen.
This is a weekend of parties and friends. Things to look forward to. So, I suppose that's what I'm relying on right now. The zen of doing what I love and the excitement of having things to look forward to. Excitement is my most favorite emotion... and things always get better.


  1. Ugh long distance can be so hard, but I'm glad you're making the effort to not let yourself be miserable!

  2. Beautiful. really.
    I love the sound of your job. You're super lucky. I need a job so bad. Im actually getting kinda scared about the lack of money I have right now.

    I had a breakdown about 2 or so weeks ago. It was in the middle of the library while I was on the phone to my mum. it wasnt pretty ha. But it was good to have a cry about the crap load of stuff I hadnt shared with anyone and just needed to let loose.
    You're great. have a good weekend


  4. These are also awesome

  5. i love you.

    you've got a well of strength and fortitude that has always, and will always, inspired me.

    call me?