Sunday, December 12, 2010

meltdowns, leaving nyc, life is hard, my friends are the greatest... the usual.

Friday we had a little potluck/holiday party thing. It was nice. A collective of great friends, a decorated apartment, food and drink, White Christmas on in the background and Christmas songs playing. I was wearing a new dress, was in an exceptionally good mood -- I love to host -- and was overall rather jolly. So I'm mid-laughter with some darling friends from New Jersey when my phone starts ringing. It's B. I could just not answer, he could go to bed, my glorious last night of the year in the city could continue on and I would see him back in Texas the next day. But the mom guilt kicks in and I excuse myself to take his call. Suddenly there are tears on the other end of the line and I am transported from the beautiful, chilly, festive Brooklyn evening to the tragic situation awaiting me in Texas -- the thing I've been trying to put out of mind until I'm there. He overheard things and became upset. He needed his mom and I needed to know what it was he overheard, so I ask to talk to grandma. She sounds tired and stressed, and needs to talk about serious things that I'm not ready to talk about. (I'm still not ready to talk about it, I'm sorry.) I think it all hit me in that moment. I am dizzy and nauseous. I get off the phone and go into the kitchen for some water but can barely walk, drop my glass. I didn't know what I was feeling, other than sick, until Swinny came into the bathroom with me and hugged me, told me it was normal to feel like that, let me throw up and cry, let it all out. The party pretty much ended there. Oh god, how terrible I feel about that. I just sat on the floor in the bathroom and wept -- what a scene -- while Swinny held me and comforted me (not the first time that's happened, bless her). Then I pow-wowed in the living room with Sam and Swinny and Fran Drescher (like I do most nights) and we ate Sam's amazing derby pie and cuddled. Daniel stayed with me the rest of the night, got me into a cab in the morning, saw me to the airport. I feel endlessly awful that I ruined a lovely night, but even more grateful for the people in my life. I don't know if I could have come home to this with my head on straight had I not been allowed to lose it for a bit the night before. Darling, wonderful friends: I love you. I am without words. My cup runs over. I promise to throw an even better party to make it up to you all. 

I apologize for the tense shift and overall lack of grammatical correctness. Sometimes I just need to spill. If you made it this far, you deserve to see beautiful pictures of the Rockefeller Center tree that Swinny and I took the other day when we decided to be tourists. So pretty! 

2 comments:

  1. Oh Brittan, I'm so, so sorry. Don't be afraid to feel what you're feeling... I've been there, and know how it is. Really, hang in there, and try to enjoy the holidays as best as you can. Sending lots of love your way!

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  2. I'm sorry :( thinking of you & your family <3

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