Tuesday, January 18, 2011

a part of the main

Hello there. After many early bedtimes and not enough words typed, here I am. I feel stressed, yes. I haven't been extremely productive. But I feel calm again. I retreated into my shell for just long enough to regroup and prioritize. It's funny, the things that I prioritize rarely seem to be the practical, physical things that I need to do. Or, I suppose, those things organize themselves naturally. No, for me this meant retreating into my heart--so I could really listen to it without any distraction--and then deciding who needs me most, what I need and where I can devote my passion right now. 

I feel I should tell you that I haven't been sad. Quite the opposite, in fact. I just got overwhelmed and thought I needed someone to help me carry it all. Silly. You see, I have this habit of going back to the same places when I get like that, places where the well is dry and there is no support. I beg and grasp at straws when there was never any hope there to begin with, then I feel immensely let down. It would take more therapy than I care to invest in to figure out why I do that but, thankfully, I always end up snapping out of it and realizing what's true: 1.) I don't need anyone but myself. I am fully equipped to handle anything and all of those anythings all at once if I have to. 2.) If I look around at the blessings (they are, I believe, divine) and the people in my life (those who choose to be) through calm eyes, I see that I have not just one person to lean on but an entire forcefield surrounding me. No man is an island. I am able to see this faster and with more clarity than I ever have before. From as early as I can remember I was always working at being happy but now I see that I didn't know what happiness was. I really just needed be okay. I wish I could explain to my son, the emotional spitting image of myself, that contentedness really will come with age and experience.

I'm in Utah now and have some stories to share.

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