Dealing with PCOS has been very hard on my psyche. My weight and weight distribution consume me like no smart, feminist 27-year-old woman should ever be consumed. I read, I discuss on forums, I read some more, I juice, I supplement, I avoid cameras and mirrors. I think it consumes me even more because it's easier and less scary to dwell on than my health and fertility. My job is wonderful, and it's getting easier, but it does wear me out. I spend a lot more hours on it than I should and even more hours feeling like I should be doing more. It's that startup culture (like the non-profit culture I used to work in) that makes you feel like you need to be constantly working because you care about the company and want it to succeed. I work from home and yet I have a hard time remembering to eat meals and take my supplements and exercise because work is sort of always happening. So, yes, I'm stressed and some days I love the challenge and I'm grateful for it, while others I'm whipped and just want to sleep for a thousand years (or eat an entire cake).
Last Saturday I was having lunch with Taso's family and feeling very relaxed (and happy to be eating good food that I'm allowed to eat), when his aunt casually brought up that we should double check that our wedding date of October 13th (which we were just about to order invitations for) doesn't fall during the State Fair of Texas. I whipped out my iPhone and found that it did, in fact, but that's okay! That could be a fun thing for our out-of-town guests to do! A little more investigating and my heart sunk: October 13th is the date of the Texas-OU football game. The worst thing that happens in Dallas every year, in my humble opinion, would be happening right on top of our wedding venue on our once-in-a-lifetime day. We've been over it and over it but we agree -- there's no way we can do it. Our venue was a lovely urban loft space with a beautiful view of downtown and on-site valet, but I can't imagine asking our guests to deal with the traffic and the drunk/rowdy crowds. We have people coming in from all over the world, many to Texas for the first time. Taso's family in Greece is coming to the U.S. for the first time. I don't want us to be anywhere near the noise, the fights, the traffic, the flags, the bar parties or the bros with their beer bellies painted. I don't want Reunion Tower lit up with Longhorns colors in the background of my pictures. It's the opposite of everything we are and everything we want.
So here we are, less than four months from the date, most of our vendors booked... and no venue. Every single venue in Dallas is booked, way too expensive (I'm talking like $10,000) or makes you use their whack, overpriced catering (which in the end makes them too expensive anyway). I mean, try me. I've called EVERYONE. My wedding planner sent me tons of ideas and I had already tried all of them. I even called the chapels and country clubs and places I would never in a million years want to get married just so I could get to know the market. I know what I'm doing and I can say with authority that there is nothing out there. All along as we were planning this I hated looking at Dallas venues. I didn't feel comfortable enough here to book a place and be psyched about it, so we settled on the best we could find. It had the urban loft feel of TriBeCa, the spaciousness of Texas and the best view we were likely to find. It didn't have the date we really wanted available, but it would work. But now here I am wishing a spot would open up on a farm or a vineyard or ANYTHING, because at the moment we are screwed. Our only other option (on the date we originally wanted at a place we like) is now no longer an option because we booked vendors for the new date and now they're booked up. Every day this week I've gone over and over the money and time that we're losing by canceling what we have booked, but I know we have to. We only get one chance at this, and I don't want to waste all this money on something that none of us (our families included, not just the two of us) are happy with. When we talk about putting it off, which neither of us wants to do, we go, month by month, and realize there is no other good time for it unless we wait almost another year. We've planned our lives around this.
When I'm laying in bed at night going over and over this in my head, I know in my heart that it's not important to me to even have a big wedding. I know that all I want is to travel and see the world, see the country that bore my future husband, and walk around the neighborhood that Agnès Varda still lives in. But I know that we have people here that would be hurt if we didn't have one, and I know that it's important to the other half of this equation... So I sit here, ripping out my hair, between a rock and a hard place.
I feel better having written out my meandering thoughts. I have no idea what is going to happen, but I would love advice if you have it to give. There has to be something I'm missing, right?