I like looking at this. Words fail me lately, but it's nice to look over these pictures, the most important one from each month of last year, and know that each of them is connected either to a personal milestone or to people that I love. It makes me feel like I'm doing okay, even when I feel like I'm not really doing anything.
It's February and I haven't been able to bring myself to write anything substantial in months. That's not true. I've written quite a bit, sorted my thoughts out in my new journal with a pen and no delete key. Out they came, page after page, all of the thoughts that have been lurking in the corners of my mind, only fully manifesting themselves as I'm washing my hair or laying in bed at night, trying to will myself to fall asleep. It's in these moments, when the thoughts converge at the front of my brain, that my heart begins to race and suddenly I feel like I must DO again. Something must be DONE! I have to ACT! This is always my instinct, and it has driven me to all of my best and worst -- wonderfully brave and tragically stupid -- decisions over the last 27 years. But, for the first time in a long time, my options are quite limited. There's nothing big I can do, no great task or project I can throw myself into. I can't move, there are no new jobs to start, no major changes to make (I mean, I already got married). Things are good. Quiet but very busy, sometimes frustrating but full of comfort and love and promise. I have no complaints. So what's going on with me? Why have I been avoiding talking about myself or sorting these thoughts out in a coherent manner so I can reflect on them? Why do I so often feel inadequate lately?
I suppose I am at that point in life where I have already done some of the big things and now I am forced to turn my thoughts inward, reflect on the daily choices I'm making and the person I'm becoming. I have to take stock of the small things because they are actually not small at all. Once the thesis is done, the dramatic relationships and dating are a thing of the past, the life in New York is over, things are quiet... I have to live with myself. I have to set goals. I have to be patient and treat people kindly every day. I have to raise a person and teach him to not be terrible, I have to consider my values, my footprint, the intentions behind my daily routine. These things are the moving parts that make up the whole. So once I had purged it all in my journal, I tried to sort out what, if anything, I am actually DOING in my day to day life, and what intentions I can pull from that to help me progress in the coming year. I have a couple thoughts that I'm going to flesh out and get back to you. It's time to bring myself into the new year.