Brittan Claire

My Utah: 2012 Edition (Also, why I was M.I.A. at Sundance.)

2012-01-30T20:23:00.002-06:00

Utah is sure pretty when it wants to be. It wasn't very snowy this year, but when it did snow it was the big, fluffy, picturesque snowflake kind. When it didn't snow it was disgusting, miserable, freezing rain, so I tried to snap a couple pictures of the pretty parts of my daily drive up the canyon. The one above I messed with a little bit in Instagram, but only for the sake of cropping out the ugly highway, not enough to fabricate that gorgeous sunrise. In fact, it was so much more beautiful than that. My love/hate relationship with Utah rages on.Once the Convergence wrapped, I headed to Park City to see my old Dallas film colleagues and check out the Sundance scene. I love Park City and I would have loved more than anything to stay there all week watching movies, but I have yet to make it to Sundance Pass Holder status. Honestly though, I couldn't have asked for a better week with some of my favorite people. Missy and Ryan picked me up from Park City and we headed straight to a Mavs game! Okay, it was a Jazz game, but they were playing the Mavs and we won, and that's all that matters. I'm not really a "sports" person per say but I do like basketball and being the obnoxious fan of the away team, so I had a great time. I will say, Jazz fans are mean. If you don't want to hate Utah, don't go to a sporting event. Between the sore losers and lame G-rated dancers, it was like a bad circus around good basketball.

Missy and I visited our favorite breakfast spot, Eggs in the City, and did some shopping and wedding planning. I hid my camera away for the most part and just enjoyed it. So, now, looking back through my camera roll, I'm slightly amused by the things I did think warranted a photo. A bike stand sweater in Sugarhouse, the biggest, yummiest biscuit I've ever eaten and a snap of our table at the (rightly) legendary Ruby's Diner.

I also got to spend time with my dear friends Katie and Cory and their children, who I've attempted numerous times to adopt as my own. Sweet, calm baby Samantha (and the TV that I would also like to adopt as my own - side note: I sent this picture to Taso with the caption "Two things I want"); thoughtful, lovable Jaren, B's best friend, showing off his 49ers shirt because they beat the Saints (B's favorite team); and my best friend, the wild Lainey Joy. I love these babies so much!

In addition to playing toys, kissing the baby, watching movies and eating cake, I also discovered that there is a Juggalo community in Salt Lake and they ship in Juggalo juice by the crate. Who knew?! Yep, it was a great time with my beloved Harmon family.

I didn't get a chance to go back up to Park City the rest of the time I was in Utah but, thankfully, they have plenty of Sundance screenings in Salt Lake as well. While I was there to see documentaries for the Thin Line Film Festival, I did get to see one feature film, Beasts of the Southern Wild, that completely blew me away. It's about what you might consider swamp people, who live below the levee in New Orleans around the time of Katrina (though that time period is never stated outright, that's the impression given). It was one of those films that tears through you and leaves your knees shaking. The little girl who carries the film -- who is really the soul of the film -- was incredible, brilliant both in her role and her post-screening Q&A appearance. During the Q&A one audience member raised their hand and said this was the best film they'd ever seen. Normally I would scoff at something like that or chalk it up to misunderstanding the wave emotion the work left behind, but I didn't. In fact, my gut reaction was applause and complete agreement. I have a theory that you shouldn't ask someone what their favorite movie of all time is, but what their favorite movie right now is. Not only does it make for interesting discussion, but it gives you a chance to talk about newer films that will never replace the stock favorites. But I digress. Beasts of the Southern Wild is my favorite movie right now at this moment. I'm so happy it ended up winning the Grand Jury Prize. If you ever get a chance to see this, you MUST!

I'm back in Texas recovering now. Missing my friends, going through all my AHC notes and trying not to read too much about all the films I didn't get to see. Maybe next year!

Sundance Art House Project and the Convergence in the mountains

2012-01-29T10:28:00.000-06:00

This was my second year to attend the Art House Convergence, a conference for art house theater operators, programmers, distributors and insiders, held in Midway, UT in the days leading up to the Sundance Film Festival. Last year the Convergence inspired my thesis and the work I've been doing for the Association of Moving Image Archivists, and it started me down the path to running my own theater. It's a goal that I know I can accomplish now that I'm a part of this network.

This year I had to scrape together (and borrow) the money to attend. (A huge thank you to Texas Filmmakers for sponsoring part of my trip.) I went back and forth on whether or not it was a good idea but ultimately I knew it would be worth it. When I was asked to speak on a panel, that sealed the deal. I was headed to Sundance. This year's AHC was bigger, warmer and moved to a slightly less intimate resort. I also couldn't afford to stay at the resort this year, so my wonderful friends Missy and Ryan made the drive up and down the canyon from Salt Lake twice a day to take me and let me sleep in their comfy guest bedroom. Sometimes I can't believe I have such nice friends.

On the first day they gave us our little AHC bags with a Sundance water bottle and a notebook with a slot in the front for business cards. I point this out because I've never made more use out of a conference/festival bag. I filled that little notebook almost completely up with notes and, as I look at it now, business cards are overflowing out of the front pocket. (The water bottle came in handy too!) That's all to say that I learned so much at this AHC and met so many people who were willing to share their knowledge and resources. The mantra seemed to be, "let's not just sit around talking, let's go out and make things happen" and they backed it up, too. Everyone was engaged, offering to volunteer and help out where they could, voting on ways to improve the AHC as a network and getting down to business rather than wasting time debating unimportant issues and inflating their own egos (like some other professional groups are known to do).

I learned about profitability, sustainability, running a non-profit, staffing, programming, operations, the ins and outs of digital technology (and how frustrating they can be for an art house theater); I heard Tim League and Ted Hope speak and got to sit in on a round table discussion with Bingham Ray and learn from him. I was invited to visit different AHC theaters across the country and to learn from them.

My panel went very well. Any nerves I had when I spoke on the panel at AMIA in November were gone. I knew this was my audience and that what I had to say was useful to them. The panel focused on the future of 35mm film projection, and included Katie Trainor, who works for the MoMA Film Department and is a long-time projectionist, Brian Belovarac of Janus Films, John Vanco of IFC and me (could I be more out of place?). I talked about my work with AMIA and what I learned through working on my thesis. The room was open to the things we had to say, which were largely (but realistically) in favor of trying to maintain and support film projection. The two morning sessions on the cost of implementing studio-compliant digital technology left a lot of people frustrated and deflated, so I think they were happy to talk about the projection technology that's always worked for them. When I hear projectionists and small theater operators talk about why they want to continue to show film, it reminds me that all of the bullying talk (from studios, academics and sometimes archivists) about them being nostalgic and sentimental is really unfair. These theaters are mission-driven and committed to education and authenticity. It's not one or the other, but both. Anyhow, the session was great and I had a really good time listenting, learning and answering questions.

On the second-to-last day they screened a Sundance film for us, Monsieur Lazhar, which was so good. I got to hang out with my friends James and Amy, who will be opening the Citizen Theater in Fort Worth and are awesome, catch up with friends I made last year and make a couple new ones. It was a good time and it left me ready to get to work on bringing the Fine Arts Theatre back to Denton.

(Just some snapshots of awesome dinner centerpieces, Russ Collins speaking, the Zermatt Resort and James and Amy's feet. Taso told me to take a bunch of pictures and this is what I delivered...)

State of the Union

2012-01-25T13:09:00.000-06:00

I am working on a post about Sundance, but let me just take a moment to say how nice it was to hear our President demand fairness last night. I grew up always hearing that life isn't fair and, while I accepted that, a voice in the back of my mind asked every time, "But what if it could be?" Yeah, I'm an idealist, but I just loved hearing our President stand up for what's right and fair.

"We can either settle for a country where a shrinking number of people do really well, while a growing number of Americans barely get by. Or we can restore an economy where everyone gets a fair shot, everyone does their fair share and everyone plays by the same set of rules."

It was inspiring to hear him talk about clean energy, bringing home troops and redistributing war money, race/class/gender/sexuality equality within our troops, equal pay for equal work, keeping kids in school and sending them to college (not to mention throwing a bone to those of us with a jillion dollars in student loan debt), common sense fair taxes and more. Maybe he can't accomplish everything he preaches, but at least he's talking about the right things. It's a breath of fresh air through the current political climate.

I made a Brontosaurus!

2012-01-24T16:48:00.000-06:00

I have a lot to say about my trip to Utah, but every time I sit down to write a post, all I want to do is post these pictures. So, yeah, I went to Sundance and it was really amazing and inspiring, and I saw my friends and had a great time... but I also made a really freaking cute brontosaurus.

My friend Katie makes these rad stuffed animals from her own patterns and she taught me how to make one when I visited her in Utah. I really wanted a brontosaurus (did anyone else have that book about if dinosaurs still existed when they were kids, the one where the little boy uses a brontosaurus as a slide? - I wish I could remember what it was called...) so we drew one up and it turned out SO CUTE.

I just had a talk with myself this week about making my online persona more professional, and THIS is my first post about my trip to Sundance. Keeping it real, I suppose.

Hi from Utah!

2012-01-17T00:10:00.001-06:00

My love dropped me off at the airport long before the sun was up and I was off to Salt Lake City. When I landed, the valley was being dusted with a blanket of snow - the kind with big flakes you can see even after they've landed. The kind that makes it almost impossible to drive. True story: Missy was on her way to pick me up from the airport when she hit a patch of it and spun out across the highway. Don't worry - she's okay! - luckily she was driving slow enough to only cause mild cosmetic damage to her car and slightly less mild emotional trauma.

Feeling pretty useless that I couldn't do anything to help, I hopped a cab to Vertical Diner to wait for her. The staff was so friendly, running out to help me bring my bags in out of the snow and fixing me up with a warm drink and a spot at the warmest booth. I ate like a king (who had woken up at 4 a.m. and flown through three different cities on one of her least favorite airlines and was starving and cold) - a huge late breakfast of biscuits and gravy, hashbrowns, tofu scramble and sausage - all vegan, all so very, very delicious.

Missy met me there and took me to a chiropractor appointment that she'd booked for me when I called her day before yesterday in a TMJ-induced migraine stupor (because she's the best). I know this recounting of my day is getting very boring, but I feel the need to mention this because... omg. I don't even know how long I've been miserable for. So long that I didn't even know I was miserable, it had just become the norm. The daily headaches, stiff neck, blurred vision and sleepiness were erased with one adjustment and some brief deep tissue work. I feel like a new person! The rest of our day was spent meeting up with friends we hadn't seen in years and having our customary Chinese food/sitcom dinner ritual. I think I've probably told her a thousand times in the last five hours how happy I am that I have use of my jaw and am headache free. It's been a good day.

So why am I in Salt Lake, you ask? I'm speaking on a panel at the Sundance Art House Convergence! I'll be talking about my thesis and the future of celluloid film projection. The rest of the time I'll be hanging out with my friends James and Amy and learning all I can about how to restore and run a movie theater, then hopefully I'll catch a couple movies at Sundance and get one thousand job offers. For now, I sleep.

A rite of passage.

2012-01-09T22:23:00.000-06:00

I think everyone slams their finger in the car door once in their lifetime, right? B's number was up this weekend. According to the doctor, it's not broken. According to B, it warranted a day off from school for a doctor visit and x-rays. In his defense, it looked way nastier than in these pictures. It was totally black at first, and when he woke up this morning he couldn't move his thumb at all. It was swollen so huge! I'm pretty sure he's going to lose the nail. Gross. I do kind of like the outline of E.T.'s head on his fingertip.

Oh, not much.

2012-01-09T22:09:00.001-06:00

I haven't been blogging much because I'm BUSY. Truly. You may think it's strange that someone so unemployed could have so much to do, but it's the truth. I was asked to speak on a panel at the Sundance Art House Convergence called Archives, the Art House and the Future of 35mm. I think that's what it's called at least... but that's what it's about. I'm going to talk about how art house theaters should show film prints (as opposed to digital projection) and, once again, be the only person on the panel without a job or title. I'm trying to not feel horribly self conscious about this and just go with it but... ... ...So, yeah, I've been prepping for that, trying to scrape money out of every nook and cranny (and credit card) to afford to get myself there and finish a publication that I've been working on for over a year that I'm supposed to distribute there... which is still not finished, much less printed. Other than that I've been tiptoeing around the idea of planning a wedding and, oh, you know... TRYING TO FIND A JOB.

Here are some pictures from the last couple weeks.

We had a graduation dinner for Taso at Greek Isles (the family Greek restaurant). Taso's Aunt Dianna made him an NYU bear that put my bear to shame in a big way (that's her in the background looking rightfully proud). I then adopted the bear for my own because I also went to NYU and the bear has sparkly feet, so obviously I need it more than he does.

New Years Eve was quiet and uneventful, unlike the major party times of 2011. Instead, this happened:

I ended up on the couch with my sweetie, so all was well that ended well.

Since the holidays, my son has been WORLDS happier, better behaved and more motivated, so that is VERY exciting! This is not to say that we don't have epic meltdowns or mega defiance from time to time, but things are getting better. He is happier, calmer and - slowly but surely - more confident.

He wrote this and I love it.

He has horrible handwriting because he's a mad genius. Just FYI.

And, finally, I took my cat to the vet for some simple vaccinations and nail clipping and she totally lost her mind and went crazy on her poor doctor. It was very confusing because I literally lay my head on top of her all the time while making high pitched noises and she just chills there like she doesn't even notice me. I realized at this appointment that she is a middle aged lady at this point, so maybe she just can't be bothered to react to my shenanigans anymore. I don't know. But she did not like her pedicure, I'll tell you that much. I bought her treats and a catnip toy to apologize for making her suffer through that and she forgave me, as you can tell from this video: http://vimeo.com/34818525

And here she is being funny and awesome, just because:

I have more to say, but not in this post. More soon!

Handmade Christmas

2012-01-02T15:40:00.001-06:00

This year I decided to hand make most of the presents I gave for Christmas. Actually, pretty much all of them. Taso's family is big so we drew names, and I got his Aunt Dianna. Aunt Dianna has a thing for teddy bears. She makes them herself and they're gorgeous. Every one is personalized and named. They have their own room in her home. The second I saw her name, I knew I had no choice. I had to make an Aunt Dianna bear. My sewing abilities are modest (A-line skirts, baby clothes, curtains, pillows) so I found a pattern that looked somewhat manageable. Well. Somewhat manageable when you're working with fur-like material and tiny little bear body parts is a heckuva lot harder than anything I've done before!

I picked super soft fabric so that if the bear didn't turn out too cute, at least it would be soft and cuddly. I used Christmas music note fabric for its little accessories because the a capella choir Aunt Dianna is in recently put on a big Christmas concert that we all went to.

It took me several days and several emergency calls to my grandma along the lines of, "WTF I HAVE TO EMBROIDER THE EYES?! HELLLLLLLP!!" I made some things simpler for myself (no embroidery, for example) and only gave up in disgust once or twice. By the time I stuffed his belly and made the last little hand stitch up his back, I had accepted the fact that his little eyes and nose were a little crooked and his muzzle didn't quite stuff right, and I was pretty proud of the little guy.

I think Aunt Di liked him.

I made scarves for some of my friends, and still have four of them sitting in my room, covered in now-outdated Christmas wrapping paper and bows. I realized that, rewarding as it can be, it's a lot scarier to give people gifts that you made yourself. I guess I better get over it and send these out before Christmas 2011 is forgotten.

The Christmas of Seven Christmases

2011-12-29T19:27:00.001-06:00

Christmas was exhausting. It went a little like this: Jones Family Christmas Eve >> EARLY morning Christmas at my house >> Christmas breakfast at Taso's house >> Christmas presents/early dinner at my mom's house (in Mesquite) >> Christmas normal time dinner back at Taso's house (in Coppell) >> Christmas party times at Justin's house in Fort Worth >> Day after Christmas presents and dinner with Taso's whole family. I am stuffed and required two early nights of recovery sleep.

Here are some of my favorite photos from all of our Christmases.

Taso's cat, Mr. Snuggles (who defies his name at every opportunity), replacing the mini Christmas tree.

My Nonnykins wearing a mini version of the scarf I made for June. (Which I still haven't sent yet, sorry June!)

Sweet victory/typical girl poses.

The calm before the storm.

B reading his letter from Santa, Taso being sleepy and blurry faced at 6:45am.

B looking in all the wrong places for his big Santa present... Possibly because I forgot how the hot/cold game works.

But he eventually found it.

And made out like a little messy-haired bandit this year.

Sticky buns with orange flavored icing (not pictured) that I made because it's Christmas and... whatever.

At least they were vegan.

This is the adult person that I am marrying.

I had to cuddle with my cat a lot because I felt like she was a little left out of the Christmas celebrations. This is the adult person that he is marrying.

Christmas at my mom's house, wishing I had a better camera.

My Evgeni Malkin doll from Taso. I am working on my Russian accent so I can make him talk.

My dear friends. All together. Being happy.

Radvent Day 25: Becoming

2011-12-25T11:57:00.005-06:00

This is my last Radvent.

I think I did okay. I started a demanding temp job (no, really) halfway through the month, which slowed down my posting a little bit. I wasn't able to get to my computer until late at night, and at that point was so tired that sometimes the thoughts came slowly. Often I would start the post that night and then edit, find pictures and publish it later. But I tried to not get too far behind and now I've made it to my final day. This has been a great personal experience for me, documenting my thoughts right now at the end of 2011.

I've been sorting through my experiences trying to think of one that "changed my trajectory forever." There's having B of course, the car accident he and I miraculously survived, the first time I watched Vagabond and the first time I went to a show at Trees as a young teenager, and saw the stage that Kurt Cobain made famous. If we're talking about events that literally uprooted me from my current path and set me off on a new one, those all fit. More recently, there's that Halloween that I met my best friends, The Darjeeling Limited first date, moving to New York, a summer in Hawaii, going to the TCM Film Festival with Swinny and that time at the MoMA archives when I saw a piece of a 1905 Biograph film print. There are lots of other little moments in between that pushed me toward and away from certain people, places, choices and interests, but the thing that strikes me is that all of these experiences were a little like falling in love (sometimes, but often not, literally). These are the things I should be focused on, the things that I love and am passionate about. If I got nothing else out of these posts, I hope I've gained a greater sense of focus on the things that drive me, that set me on the path I'm on and that make me excited to wake up every day.

My goals for the coming year are:

1. Work on more creative and professional projects with my friends.

2. Start the theater restoration process.

3. Get married.

4. Meet Agnes Varda.

5. Get settled in a little house and plant a garden.

6. Host a projection training workshop.

7. Start a book club.

8. Be financially independent.

9. Find a way to go to TCMFF '12.

10. Give B the best birthday party of his life.

With any luck, by next year I'll be able to say I crossed these off and I'll have new goals and a fresh perspective on where I am, where I'm going and what I have to offer the world.

Radvent Day 24: Magic

2011-12-24T23:56:00.000-06:00

Happy Christmas Eve!

When I was little, it wasn't Santa Claus that I obsessed over every Christmas. It was snow. I dreamed with all my little heart about having a white Christmas and every year I would close my eyes on Christmas Eve and pray that I would wake up to a blanket of white outside my window. To me, that seemed magical. Of course it never happened. I live in Texas. Often it was 70 degrees on Christmas morning. But that didn't stop me from wishing. In my mind, the picture-perfect Christmas is snowy and filled with family, friends, music, food and activities. The best memories are made when you're doing more than just opening presents and sitting around. I love making Christmas special, and I hope I get better at it as I get older. Taso and I were talking about how New York in November feels more Christmasy than Christmas day in Texas, and I've been thinking about what I can do to bring the Christmas spirit down here next year. Just once I would like to have that perfect cinematic, holiday card-esque, white Christmas.

This Christmas didn't bring snow, but it did bring a little magic by way of putting so many of my favorite people in one place. Christmas Eve was spent, as it is every year, with the Jones family and all of my old friends who meet at their house every December 24th. Taso got to meet the people I've been friends with since I was a kid, and experience our loud, competitive game playing. There were fewer people than normal, as this has been a rough year for the Jones family, and Mr. and Mrs. are both coping with health problems, but they still opened up their home (and their kitchen) to us. I brought my traditional Christmas Even tamales and B was on his best behavior. The ladies by far dominated at game playing, as evidenced by our celebrating:

Kelsey, Sabrina, Emily and Laura. Emily and I were friends since about age four, the other three were always the "little sisters" of our group of friends, their older siblings being closer to us in age, but not by much. Now we're grown up women with degrees who have lived in China and been married, but who still act like children when we're all together.

There was another magical moment when an old friend of ours from high school stopped by and recognized Taso. They were neighbors and friends when he was little, before he moved to Greece! It was crazy putting together the puzzle pieces of our connections to each other, and realizing what a small, interconnected world it is.

After a long night of fun, B was out before we had a chance to leave cookies for Santa. Not that my skeptical child has really ever believed in Santa. The older he gets, the more I realize how like me he really is. But that doesn't mean I can't make a little magic for him. This year Santa left HIM cookies and a note, and meticulously trimmed the tree with presents and a new guitar before passing out herself.

Radvent Day 23: Presence

2011-12-23T23:55:00.000-06:00

One of my greatest talents -- maybe my greatest -- is my ability to remain composed through chaos. That's not to say I never lose my chiz. I definitely do. But when the situation calls for me to be "On" -- when someone is in danger, or I'm working a busy film festival or I'm in the middle of a meeting that's falling apart quickly -- I have a knack for pulling it together and getting stuff done. The downside of this is that I am not focused all the time. I can pull it together brilliantly in chaotic situations that demand a leader, but in my daily life I'm actually pretty attention deficit and don't always trust my leadership skills.

Right now I'm really working on this and trying hard to be "On" more often. Taso's mom is really good at this. She has a very successful, demanding career and is also an amazing homemaker and great mom. She's friendly and thoughtful and smart. She learned Greek as an adult, which, I can attest, is not easy. It's not that I want to be just like her. There are lots of ways in which we're different, and our goals are different, but I do look up to her. I would like to learn to present myself the way she does.

I feel like I covered all of the things I want to say already in the Wrapping post, which makes me realize... I suppose I try to hide my flaws behind the characteristics I want to have. This image I'm creating of who I am isn't a facade, it's who I'm becoming, how I want people to see me and how I want to be remembered. It's vain, but it's either that or not understand myself and lose the power to control what becomes of my life and my impact.

This photo is totally unrelated to these thoughts, as is becoming a theme in the last few posts, but I want to share what I did today. I went to see Les Miserables at the beautiful Winspear Opera House in the new Dallas Arts District. The production was absolutely breathtaking. I haven't seen set design like that anywhere other than the Metropolitan Opera in New York. The story is obviously one of the saddest ever, so of course I cried throughout, along with my mom, the lady next to me and probably everyone else in attendance. I've never seen a professional level production of Les Mis live. I've seen recorded Broadway performances (and the Liam Neeson movie) and know the songs, but seeing it live was far more moving and heartbreaking than I could have imagined. I was pretty spent for the rest of the day.

Radvent Day 22: Promises

2011-12-22T11:24:00.000-06:00

I love what Megan (Princess Lasertron) said:

"Promises kept are one of the truest expressions of love because keeping a promise is a responsibility. It takes unfailing devotion and commitment. “I love you” is a promise. “I won’t give up” is a promise."

When I decided to keep and raise B, I learned what a promise is, what it means to keep your word and that being true, faithful, dependable -- whatever you want to call being someone who doesn't break promises -- is one of the most crucial, rewarding characteristics (or habits) that we can develop. Our road has been long and difficult, but we're close and we're making it. Sometimes he's angry about his life, about what we don't have or what I'm not able to give him, and I feel terrible. Sometimes I entertain the idea of regrets, but I never really have them. I remind myself that I have to keep perspective. Everyone has their challenges to overcome, and it's my responsibility to give him the best I can with what I have. That and to love him unconditionally. That's what I promised him, and continue to promise him every day.

I can't wait to make vows to Taso. I feel like it will solidify the promises I've already made, and it will give me an opportunity to make new promises to B. And for Taso to make promises to both of us. There's nothing more beautiful that I can think of. I've been really emotional for the last few days, since Taso got back from New York, I guess. It was always going to be hard for me to come back and settle here. I knew that, and Taso coming back really closed the door on New York for us. At the same time, having the three of us together has been a long time coming, and it's overwhelmingly happy. The reality of what we're doing and the life we're going to have it sinking in and my cup runs over. My personal inner conflict seems silly and fades to the background of my consciousness. There are promises to keep and trust to rebuild. I am nothing if not grateful for the chance to make them and receive them.

I just wanted to share this picture. My dude got glasses and hates them. Poor child, cursed with his mother's eyesight.

Radvent Day 21: Wrapping

2011-12-21T21:11:00.001-06:00

I've always thought I was most myself around the Joneses, a family of six kids and two awesome parents that I grew up with. They loved me and took me in like one of their own. They were always very warm and very close, there was never any pretense. Things were always a little messy and there was always tons of music and tons of laughter. I felt really comfortable letting my not very cool side out, being goofy. I never cared how I looked and it was impossible to embarrass myself in front of them. Being friends with them did a lot for my confidence and for helping me grow into someone who isn't very phased by people's opinons of her. I always had the feeling that they valued me for who I am inside (that somehow they could see that, or cared to see that, when most people didn't) and that who I am inside is good and interesting. I still feel that way around them, and since then have sought out relationships that make me feel like that.

Of course there are things that I hide. I almost always hide my religious or spiritual thoughts and feelings. I am actually terrified of talking to anyone at all about them. There's no one that I feel comfortable relating to about this stuff, so I keep it to myself... I guess until I understand it better. I'm not really talking about dogma, but I am talking about some basic system of belief, ritual and sacrifice or giving back. I have lots of thoughts and feelings on this that I keep 100% to myself.

Other things I try to hide:

anxiety

an eating disorder

a propensity to take on too much and not finish projects

insecurity in the work i do

irrational, outlandish, funny thoughts

exhaustion

I guess I try to hide the things that make me look like I'm not capable, or that I don't have it all together.

This idea of caring what people think is funny... I like impressing people. I truly love making people feel good, like someone cares enough about them to put in a little extra effort to make something -- an assignment at work, a birthday party, a present, a lunch date, a favor -- special, or better. But, I ask myself all the time, am I really trying to do something good for this person so they'll be happy, or so I'll be the one making them happy? That question haunts me, but it also helps me keep myself in check. For the most part I think it's a little of both. I don't need designer clothes or perfect makeup or a beautiful blog, but I do have a certain package that I like to wrap myself up in to hide my flaws from the world, and minimize them to myself.

I like to wear dresses and I keep my hair in a style that I know works on me. I like to use good manners and keep my speech innocuous in settings that aren't intimate. When I'm not sure what to say, or how to talk to someone, I'll often keep quiet rather than risk saying the wrong thing. In more casual settings I try to be approachable, friendly and fun without drinking or drawing negative attention. I approach most things in life emotionally, but I can become defensive and quick to hide emotion when I feel that it's being judged or criticized. I like to do great work and when I can't (like in the case of writer's block or not understanding how to do something that's asked of me) I clam up and panic, often to the point of not being able to do anything. Even though I know it's not a good idea, I always cover this up by not communicating and acting cool about the whole thing. It's bad, but it's a defense mechanism that I haven't been able to change yet. I like to pick really special presents and wrap them perfectly. I love to throw parties. I like to put extra care into my cooking and to make sure that my son looks and acts presentable. (Have you ever met a 9-year-old boy? If you have, you know how frequently I succeed at this.) It always bothers me when parents let their children leave the house in pajamas and messy hair, or when well-dressed moms walk around with kids whose jeans don't fit and shoes are untied. I know that's judge-y and awful, but part of my "wrapping" (so to speak) is this need to do present cleanliness, order and love/care outwardly. I feel like how I present myself reflects who I am. When it doesn't -- like right now, when I am carrying around a few extra pounds and don't have a job that I'm proud of -- I feel off balance and incomplete.

At the same time, the people I can really be myself around are the people who don't care at all about these things, who aren't impressed with my outfit at the holiday party or my career or the tie I made my kid wear, who just appreciate the Christmas card because they appreciate my friendship. There are certain people that I never have to get defensive around, that love me when I'm being a sucky friend as much as they do when I'm on top of my game. So I guess, at the end of the day, all of the hiding, and wrapping and impressing is really just for me.

This is a Christmas card I sent out this year, adorning my friend Sneve's tree. I love sending out personalized Christmas cards, but I'm so bad about getting them done in time and getting them to all the people I need to. I'm still beating myself up about leaving people off my list.

Radvent Day 20: Mentoring

2011-12-20T13:44:00.003-06:00

Okay, I'm back in the game. This one is great! (Side note: I love not finding out what the topic is until the day it goes up. I makes me think on my feet and write something relevant to what's going on right now. It's also funny how they sometimes correlate with what I'm thinking or doing that day.)

I like this as a follow up to the last one. During transitional phases in my life, I find that it's far more productive (though much harder) to think about who I want to be than about figuring out my identity right now.

At one time I really wanted to be a cinematographer, so I asked a working Director of Photography and Professor of Cinematography to share his knowledge with me. It never hurts to ask, right? He accepted because I was interested in shooting on film, something he tried to instill in his digital-photography-minded students to no avail. He taught me how to use a camera, pull focus, load a magazine and work in a darkroom. In a short period of time I got to assist on everything from corporate videos for the Nurses Union to full-length feature films. I got to work with an Arriflex, shooting 35mm. Within three years of that experience, that camera is already something of a relic. I abandoned the desire for a full-fledged career in film production, but the things he taught me (free of charge, out of the kindness of his heart and passion for film) have been endlessly useful to me in my other pursuits, and were the foundation for the things I'm interested in now.

I HAVE to write him a thank you card right now.

Who do I want to learn from now?

Entrepreneurs/Non-profit gurus: Princess Laserton, Melina McKinnon

Filmmaker: James M. Johnston

Theater operators: crew of the Belcourt and crew of the State

I'm always watching. Following tweets, reading blog posts, listening intently at lunch dates, asking questions when I get the chance to meet someone new, checking out programming, studying marketing material and business plans, watching and dissecting films. I love to learn. My problem lies in taking the next step. The second I send off the work I've done to ask for feedback my heart sinks. Suddenly I am acutely aware of how lacking my work is. I need to get braver about asking questions of people I admire and seeking guidance. I think people enjoy mentoring rather than finding it a bother.

Radvent Day 19: Identity

2011-12-19T22:59:00.000-06:00

Hmm.

I think I am just realizing that what I'm having may actually be an identity crisis. At the same time that I am becoming more mature, aware and settled in parts of who I am, I am trying to redefine other parts. I often say, "I don't know what I'm doing..." and I mean it. Do I want to go anywhere/do anything for a job in my field that pays a living wage, or do I want to tough out the emotionally draining life I'm in right now for the chance to (maybe?) pursue something I'm truly passionate about? Is it really to my benefit to work on so many projects, on top of being a mom, that I never see my friends or go to shows? What was the last film I saw? What was the last band I watched live? It hit me about 10 minutes ago (as I was pondering my Music post) that I haven't really listened to music in so long. I mean, had so much mentally-free time that I could lay around and hear a new album, take it in and feel it. I just listened to a new St. Vincent song a minute ago and thought... I don't know, maybe it's time to put on eyeliner and meet my city (and my friends) again. Maybe it's just time to dust off my headphones.

I don't know if I'm an archivist. Technically, right now, I'm a legal assistant. What. I don't know if I'm a person, or if I'm a mom and a girlfriend and another driver on the interstate. I don't know where I fit.

Do I have to know that to understand my identity?

Who are you?

Radvent Day 18: Style

2011-12-18T22:07:00.001-06:00

My top all-time style icons:

Cyd Charisse - grace, confidence, legs

Kim Gordon - the hair, the dresses, X-girl - coolest human ever

Diane Keaton - probably the biggest influence on the way I actually dress

Norma Shearer - cuuuuurls, perfection

Miriam Hopkins - eyes, and what she does with them

Claire Danes - as Angela Chase, in Shopgirl, in Calvin Klein (and obviously as Juliet, not pictured)

Freddie Mercury - obviously

Anna Karina - effortless, enchanting

The 1940s everyday lady - truly, the 1940s sewing patterns that my mom insanely collects have had more influence on my style than any actress or model from the 1940s

Well, I am an old person. Every day I wear blouses, blazers, comfortable-but-flirty dresses, tights and shoes that fall somewhere between heel and flat (big fan of the wedge). Then I put on a scarf or two and a brooch. Winter time is my favorite time because I can just keep putting on layers. And I do. The only jeans I wear are Levis. I hate slacks. I don't wear makeup (though I should) and I sometimes forget to brush my hair. Style is 97% about confidence and comfort. That doesn't mean wearing sweatpants and being proud of it, that means bringing who you are to the surface so you can walk around all day feeling like yourself.

I hope you've enjoyed looking at all these pretty people. If I could smoosh them all together into one person and become that person, I think I would be fully realized.

Radvent Day 17: Music

2011-12-17T22:39:00.002-06:00

I love this one!

First, let's talk Christmas music because I'm a sap and that's all I'm listening to right now. You only get to listen to it for about a month once a year, so I shamelessly indulge. Every year just after Thanksgiving I put on Hanson's Snowed In to welcome the season. It's a tried and true way to get in the Christmas spirit. Never fails to make me feel joyful and festive!

Besides Hanson, my favorite Christmas music is either a.) timeless or b.) classical/choral. I love listening to the Mormon Tabernacle Choir and The 99 Most Essential Christmas Masterpieces. I love Bing and Bowie.

This year I've been listening to Hey, It's Christmas, and She & Him and Michael Buble's new Christmas albums, but my favorite new Christmas album this year is Deer Child's. Here's a sample, but really for 5 bucks, the whole album is more than worth the download.

Christmas aside, I've started working on our reception playlist. I haven't really jumped into wedding planning yet, as we still have plenty of time and details to work out, but one thing I can do is plan the soundtrack for the day. For me, it's one of the most important parts. I want to balance our favorite music with danceability, accessibility (something for everyone) and overall mood. Early in the night the music will be polite background music, and we'll kick it into dance party mode later. As much as I love Hanson, I'll try to limit myself to a couple of their songs, so as not to alienate my guests, wedding party and groom.

Musically, we're meant for each other (Hanson aside). We love the same types of music (the Pixies, Sonic Youth and the Magnetic Fields are my favorite bands, he loves Interpol, we both love hip hop - to give you an idea) and we go to shows together all the time, so it should be pretty easy to agree on a playlist. I'll let him have his guilty pleasure, Ellie Goulding's "Lights" - which I hate - if he'll let me have Beyonce's "Love On Top" but that's as cheesy as I'm getting. I think having a DJ is easier and cheaper than a band, so it works for me. That said, I'm requesting suggestions. Please let me know what you'd want to hear at a wedding, or if you think this whole plan is terrible. I have no idea what I'm doing and welcome advice and input!

Radvent Day 16: Rhythm

2011-12-16T00:07:00.003-06:00

Right now it's pretty much exactly like this:

Radvent Day 15: Success

2011-12-15T23:58:00.003-06:00

I feel most successful when I'm organized and I have simplified my life and surroundings.

Notice: I didn't say when life is simple, but when I have simplified.

There is nothing more satisfying to me that checking things off the list, crossing off goals, throwing out excess baggage and narrowing down your to-do list to just your most important responsibilities. I don't know if that's how I would broadly define success, but that's what makes me feel successful in my daily life.

Growing up I was taught that success = marriage, babies, religion, house -- a rigid picture that every woman should fit into to be successful. Within that picture you must be "normal" and a "good" person. I don't think I ever really understood what that meant or looked like, or how one got to it. Mostly though, I wasn't really interested. I took a harder path that made me an unsuccessful, not very "normal" or "good" person, perhaps even a failure, on the outside. I knew I appeared that way and I resented it because I never really believed that about myself.

I know I worked 10x harder than I ever would have otherwise after B came along, and I began to form my own understanding of success that had more to do with personal improvement and building a career. I saw success as being able to balance it all and kick butt at everything -- being a mom, being an interesting person and having a successful career. I set some lofty goals for myself that haven't really changed since then, and I am still working at them. I wouldn't say that I feel successful yet.

My goals for the coming year are:

1. Start a career in my field that will pay the rent and put food on the table.

2. Raise some money for the theater.

3. Move into a house, immediately plant a garden and try to start living more green/sustainable.

4. Get married and travel abroad.

5. Improve my exercise and sleep schedules (kind of battling my body right now).

I think those things are do-able if I work hard, and they will make me feel the sense of accomplishment and security that I don't have at the moment. Sometimes I think I need to be more easily satisfied with myself, and wonder if I will know when I am finally Successful (or am successful enough).

I was just talking to my friend Sabrina about wanting to give back to people in need because I have gotten so much help over the years. I feel like my progress toward success for myself and my family is also for the world, making it better, building community, giving back. Maybe I will finally feel like a success when I'm doing that. I definitely want to take that suggestion to ask other successful people that I admire what their secret is.

To brighten my perspective on my own success, I dug through my external hard drive and looked for pictures of times that I felt successful. If you're interested, here is a little stroll through the last 9 years of my life:

made a beautiful, big footed boy

first apartment

finally took that Hanson roadtrip with Wendy

was a good gymnastics and cheerleading coach, if i do say so myself

adopted these guys and kept them

brought Hanson to Dallas

became a Bachelor of Arts with honors (wore fab shoes)

helped put on this amazing film festival and fell in love with this guy in the process

worked hard and showed them how it's done at this film festival

got to be around for these guys' friendship

helped make this movie

threw the party of the century

broke away

shot on 35mm

helped make part of this movie

moved to NYC (but never learned how video works...)

spent time at Criterion

lived here

became a Master of Arts, MIAP = conquered

this.

Radvent Day 14: Pride

2011-12-14T19:18:00.000-06:00

^ Me in high school with tons of MAC PRIDE ^

(standing behind our one lone boy cheerleader)

Now?

I don't know.

Geographically speaking, I know where I actually live, but I'm not sure where my soul lives. I miss Brooklyn and my roommates and the way the seasons changed my walk to the train. I don't think that's where I belong, really, but I don't feel comfortable (yet?) here either. Here's what I do like about DFW:

1. Spiral Diner

Best vegan restaurant in the world. I always order the blue plate special (except on Sundays, when it's brunch time) and I DIE for the blueberry pie.

2. My local farmers market

It is truly one of my favorite places. It deserves its own post.

3. Family

His, mine, ours.

4. Friends

I have recovered two of them from Austin, and a few of them never left. I get all bummed about my lack of social life sometimes, but I had a ladies movie night with Wendy yesterday and am SOLOOKINGFORWARD to a Christmas party with my dearest gentleman friends. I am lucky to have them here.

5. The Fine Arts

And the hope that one day we'll have it back.

I used to be really involved with the Dallas film and music scenes and, for awhile there, the Dallas art scene. I'm completely out of it now, but maybe if I could reconnect with cool people and get out a little more... I could like it here? I don't know if I'll ever have DALLAS PRIDE, but you never know. Crazier things have happened.

Radvent Day 13: Performing

2011-12-13T20:00:00.003-06:00

Okay, I am all over this one.

Not five minutes ago I was lecturing B on the importance of taking pride in his performance. This was in regards to his increasingly sloppy handwriting and messy backpack/notebook. He's always in a hurry and when you rush, you don't perform as well. A good performance requires some planning, focus and commitment.

I'm probably not the only one who sees their life like a movie. There is always a soundtrack, a storyline, plot twists!, character development, beautiful lighting and a little drama. I've done this since I was little, laying awake at night "writing" the script of my future and storyboarding it in my head. (I wonder if people born before the 20th century narrated their lives like a novel or play...?) I think this little practice gives me confidence and helps me look for the beauty in all aspects of life. I remember, when I was really sad, laying in bed thinking I could never get out, but also marveling at my ability to feel things that seemed so foreign and dramatic... like something in a melodrama. I remember being very aware of how the emptiness I felt inside was reflected in how I visually perceived the world around me. Likewise, when I'm happy things are soft and light, when I'm excited they twirl and sparkle like a scene from Moulin Rouge. A good song can completely change the scene. One of my favorite recent memories is driving home from Taso's house in the middle of the night with my sunroof open listening to a perfect violin concerto. I stopped at a stop sign, paused for a minute and closed my eyes as a soloist hit impossible notes, opened them and saw a bright, full moon staring down at me through the little square window in the top of my car. Everything was perfectly framed, perfectly lit, perfectly cued. That was it. Nothing spectacular happened, but it was a beautiful, cinematic moment.

This what I think about when I think about performing. To me, it's being the protagonist in your own life movie (that's what I like to call it). It's about constructing your appearance, being aware of your poise, being the hero who is kind and does good things, but first it is about being authentic. There's nothing appealing about a dishonest performance. I hate my face when I put makeup on it so most days I don't, even though I often think maybe I should. I hate the way it feels to lie, so I plan my actions and try to shape my character in a way that I never have to. I want to always be able to open my mouth and know that what I'm saying, however awkward or dumb or frivolous, is true.

I've been honing in lately on the effect my physical presentation (appearance, manners, speech, relationships, the work I do) has on how my overall performance in life. My Aunt Sue always says that the way others perceive you is a large part of who you are. That used to really bother me. I didn't believe it. How could it be true? But the more existential I get about it, the more I believe it. We are what we think, say and do. To go back to the movie analogy, I may be the writer and director, but I have a crew. Even if I assume every role in this production, deeply understand my motivation and have complete control over my own performance, what's a movie without an audience?

A little performing from us truly.

Radvent Day 12: Creating

2011-12-12T19:43:00.003-06:00

I want to create something.

The power to create is what makes us human, and what makes being human worth all the other less awesome stuff. Deep, right? I wish I could come up with a more eloquent way to say that because I do think it's true. Sorry, I've had a hard time getting these last few blog posts out. My brain is swimming and my days fly by before I have a second to stop and reflect. I'm working a temp job as an executive assistant and it's everything you probably know or imagine that position to be. I feel like I've worked dozens of this job. Anyhow, I don't feel very creative, even in the non-artistic sense, lately. I don't feel like I'm really doing much.

I started to write a long blog post where I muse on and on about creating, but it felt dry and inauthentic. That's not where I am right now, and that's okay. Here's what I do have... some thoughts on how money and creation go hand in hand.

Thought #1: If I could find a way to make even the most modest salary to work solely on my theater project, I know I could make it happen in a reasonable amount of time. So, where do I find that money? Is that a thing that happens? Do people get a years salary to start a business or work on a project of this type? Seriously, if you know the answers to these questions, hit me up. It's painful sitting on a great idea because you don't have the funds to see it happen.

Thought #2: While that excuse is 100% valid for the theater project, it's nothing more than an excuse when it comes to making a film. People make films with no budgets all the time. The truth is, I don't know where to start and I'm afraid of failing (again) so I keep putting off the screenplay and the phone calls and the figuring out where to get a camera. It's a shame because when I set my mind to something I'm usually pretty good at making it happen. Maybe it's time to downsize my other commitments a little bit so I have some room to focus on this one. If I at least write and conceptualize something, and it's good, I think the resources will appear.

Thought #3: Having no skrilla IS a blessing in disguise during the holidays. It's forcing me to make my own Christmas gifts which, it turns out, is really fun. I don't if you know this about me, but I gift give like it's my JAWB. I love it and I'm good at it. Just ask Taso about his Control poster, or my #apt2b roomies about their whiskey fudge and motorcycle club shirts. This year I'm making almost all of my presents (I did buy most of B's stuff, but I've been buying it little by little since August). Here's a sneak peek:

Weird, right? I'll take pictures of the finished products when they're all ready to go.

Anyway, this is me: needing to work a little harder, needing a little help, and trying to create something out of nothing.

Radvent Day 11: Resting

2011-12-11T16:04:00.000-06:00

Today, instead of a long entry, write these statements:

I give myself permission to rest because __I started a ridiculously stressful, demanding temp job this week__.

I need rest because ___ I HAVE GOT TO FIND A REAL JOB___.

Radvent Day 10: Writing

2011-12-10T18:55:00.002-06:00

Could you guess that I love to write? Sometimes I think I don't understand anything till I get a chance to write about it. When I was younger I wrote letters like it was my job, and when I was older I actually got paid to write press releases and editorial content. I've always kept journals, notebooks for creative writing and, for the last three and a half years, this blog. When I was in school, my teacher's response to my writing was often polarized. I refused to write by the strict rules taught in public school (I'm strong-willed to a fault at times), but I was always fairly good at organizing my thoughts. I don't mind those rules they teach as much now, because organization IS crucial when writing something for other people to read. However, I think limiting yourself too much with rules and form impedes creativity. Like in all things, there's a balance.

Anyone who has ever written so much as an essay for school knows how hard writing is. I want to get better at challenging myself to write creatively. I haven't written a story in a long time. Even when I write short films, I don't often write a complete story. If I do, I struggle with it. My friend Wendy is a great story writer. She could probably make a million dollars as a children's book author. That kind of writing takes imagination and patience. It's one of my goals to hone these skills so I can write a good screenplay.

If you're not really into writing, I challenge you to give it a second chance. Here are some prompts from Princess Lasertron's blog to get you started:

B decided he's going to use them for his school journal, and I'm going to use them in those times when I think I have nothing interesting to blog about.

Radvent Day 9: Influence

2011-12-09T18:30:00.186-06:00

Who–or what–are five of your greatest influences?

1. Agnès Varda and Virginia Woolf

I lump these two women together because they taught young Brittan about being a woman, a real woman who is an individual person, not a picture or object or archetype. When I think about them, I feel love and gratitude and wish they could know the impact they've had on me. They are the first two in a long line of women that I don't know but look up to, which is an odd concept. I think Varda's impact on me is greater because I admire her life as much as her work, and she continues to tell stories and create art. It's one of my biggest dreams in life to meet her.

2. Mothers

My grandma for her selflessness (she's like a one woman charity), Taso's mom for her intelligence and the way she supports her family 100% and always has their backs, Mama Jones (who has six kids of her own and basically adopted all of their friends, self included) for her warmth and ability to make a house a home. I love watching my friends become mothers and seeing how it changes them and how they take on the role. I have a 9-year-old but I still don't know what I'm doing. I constantly learn from other mothers, whether they're old pros or first timers with newborns.

3. Baz Luhrmann and Oscar Wilde

Two people who find substance in style and depth in beauty. They helped me understand my aesthetic inclinations and seek out truth and beauty in every aspect of life. I fell in love with film for its ability to make us feel things by looking at beautiful pictures, and for the ability of a great filmmaker or cinematographer to find beauty in the least likely places. Again, Baz and Oscar Wilde came first in my exploration of art and beauty. There are films that have both more substance and style than Baz's, sure, but I desperately love his unabashed approach -- gratuitous long takes of pretty faces, overdone costumes, swirling cameras, glitter, great music. He sucks you in and suddenly you realize that what you're seeing is a commentary on the original story, its teller and its audience.

4. My friends

Friends are the family you choose. Justin taught me about being classy, Gregg taught me how to laugh at myself and Wendy taught me what it means to be a good friend. Katie taught me about letting things roll off my back, Ashley taught me to always be my complicated, weird, authentic self, Sam taught me to do what makes me feel free and Missy taught me that a little friendliness goes a long way. Taso teaches me stuff all the time but, most importantly, that you should hold on to your best friendships tightly and not lose them. Sometimes you have to go above and beyond for your best friends... and sometimes, when you find one you really can't live without, you have to marry them.

5. independent/grassroots/entrepreneurial movements

I started my career and met Taso working for film festivals, and will always be inspired by what they're designed to do. Sundance is now working to support art house theaters, which are incredibly influential in their own right. In my grad program I met people who were working hard for little to no money to preserve cultural heritage. Aside from film and preservation, I find the willingness of people to sacrifice of themselves for their dream or a good cause, especially when they have to compete with a corporate system, incredibly inspiring and something I want to emulate.

What kind of influence do you want to be on the world?
I want people to still be able to shoot and project film in 100 years.
I want to bring classic and art house film to communities that don't have it.
I want to nurture a family that stays together and is made up of happy, well-rounded individuals.
One day I want to help a teenage girl, who is lost like I was, find her way.
I want to leave things prettier than I found them.

How do you feel about the power you have to influence people?
A positive influence isn't made by force, manipulation, coercion or other unfair tactics.

I often -- I mean often -- feel like I'll never be able to make a difference. At AMIA I went back and forth feeling really let down that one person can't make a difference in a world that's dominated by studios with lots of money, and then that they can if they find enough people to help them (just look at what film festivals have done)... I've written about that a lot lately. When I get down about how much or little I can do, it usually comes back to how much work there is to do. I just have to remind myself that no influence is made without a lot of time, effort and sacrifice. I'll never make a difference if I don't take the first step, buckle down and start working, and then don't give up when it gets hard or discouraging.

Also, while I do think there is power within me to influence people, I have to keep perspective. I have to be open minded and willing to compromise, and I have to remember that I'm not ending world hunger, I'm just trying to make what I believe to be a positive difference in an artistic medium.

In my personal life, I think that my responsibility is to lead by example, be good to people and be firm in my convictions. If I have life-long, healthy, meaningful relationships with good people, I will consider that a positive influence on the world.

Does anything have too much influence on you?
Oh, absolutely. I think people are always working to not let one thing or another have too much influence in their lives. Right now it's probably money (or the desire to have money) that's influencing my mood too much, and I tend to be bad about letting pretty things influence me to not appreciate what I have right now. For example, I love pretty clothes so I always want to be thinner. I love throwing parties so I want to have a house and money to spend on pretty parties. Sometimes it's more complicated than just coveting things. Sometimes I let my relationships, particularly with my family, influence me to be too hard on myself, or to not feel comfortable being my authentic self.

Coincidentally (since I'm talking about art house theaters and Sundance), I found these pictures that I'm in on the Art House Convergence Flickr stream today, so I'll share them. I don't know why I look so bored in them. I was having the time of my life!

Radvent Day 8: Comfort

2011-12-08T22:47:00.003-06:00

Personally, I'm a fan of comfort. When we're comfortable we're able to open ourselves up to wonderful things like love, sparks of creativity and new ideas (I think that being closed minded and being insecure go hand-in-hand and I love the feeling when I'm comfortable enough to let go of my pride and learn something new or change my outlook on something). Comfort is where we run when life gets hard and we need to heal. I think it's super important, as long as we don't always live in it. Some things that give me comfort are:

- My leopard blanket

When I was 18 I had a traumatic experience and I wrapped myself up in a blanket that my friend had left at my house, and hid till it was over. She never took the blanket back and we have been inseparable ever since.

- Ramen noodles

So, so bad. I refuse to keep them in the house but, when I am having a spectacularly terrible day and/or horrible period cramps, I will drag my weary bones to the grocery store for a pack of Ramen noodles. That's right, not the $10 ramen dinner from the restaurant, the $0.89 Top Ramen. When I was a kid and stayed home alone, I made them for myself. I guess they are my comfort food. This one is vegan and, when mixed with tofu and frozen mixed veggies, can cure anything that ails me:

- Baz Luhrmann's Romeo + Juliet

My cure for insomnia since I was 12. I know every single second of it by heart.

- movies from another time

Old foreign movies on a regular basis keep me sane. I can't explain it, so I'm not even going to try. All I know is that sometimes I go a couple weeks without watching a movie and then I crawl into bed and pop in something quiet with subtitles, and I realize that for those couple weeks life hadn't been as good as it could be. On sad/"I don't want to be a grownup" days, it's often musicals or Molly Ringwald that I need.

- Nonny

My beautiful, perfect kitty purring next to me is bliss.

- Talks with Taso
When we discuss a film, concept, idea, plan, the past, the future, the weather... whatever. It reminds me of when we were first getting to know each other and falling in love. We were so young and so fascinated by each other. Also comforting: his smell, which has never changed. Little Taso and Brittan of 2007:

- B's routine
You give your child a routine so that they feel secure. You realize, when you and your child are separated, how secure that routine also makes you feel.

- rain

I'm happiest in cold, drizzly weather.

Two things I would like to do that would break me out of my comfort zone:

1. Direct a film
(A bunch of people giving of their time and talent to make my vision -- which may or may not suck -- come to life is so scary!)
2. Ask for money
(I can't even handle it when Taso pays for everything, how will I ever learn to fundraise?)

Radvent Day 7: Traveling

2011-12-07T19:57:00.001-06:00

I haven't traveled out of the country much. I've been to Toronto and just across the border into Mexico. Seeing the world is one of those college things I didn't get to do because I was a mama, and my family isn't really into travel (probably because my grandma was a military kid and got enough of it growing up). Sometimes I feel like I missed out, but I know I'll get to do it one of these days. In fact, if all goes as planned, I'll take two really big trips in 2012! That said, I have been just about all over this country.

My biggest life-changing trips:

1. O'ahu

I feel really lucky that I got to live in Hawaii the way I did. I sublet a condo, took public transportation or walked everywhere, bought my groceries at the local co-op, knew the gossip around Honolulu (thanks to my bosses who knew EVERYONE) and by the end of it my feet were stained red from the dirt in Pearl City where I worked (I had a long walk from the bus to work and it's too hot to not wear sandals). My sister lives there but she was really busy, and Taso came to visit but only for a couple weeks. For the most part I was alone, just living, working and getting to know the island. Even when I went over to Waikiki to (try to) surf or meet new friends, it never felt like a vacation. I grew up a lot there and found some serious inner peace.

Here are some of my favorite Hawaii pictures that I never posted:

Taso + fishes

an ill-composed photo of Brittan + dolphins that you can't see (but I know they were there, just behind my head so I love it)

a manta ray (that was actually like 10 feet wide) + Taso's hand

Brittan being very sad about the way her archive stored their film

tofu pho for under $5 pretty much every single day

super rad Ala Moana trees on my walking path

2. Los Angeles by way of San Francisco

Once I tried to move to L.A., got there and had the job that was lined up for me fall apart, then the place I was living fall apart, then my car fall apart. I would call it humbling but, let's be honest, those were dark times. However, the drive out there, up the "scenic" route through Flagstaff and up into San Francisco, where I spent a few days before taking the gorgeous 101 into L.A. was everything you could ever want out of a road trip. It was magical. I think that trip was the first time I really felt like an adult (I'm seeing a pattern here...). I felt like I was taking a landmark step forward in my life. Even though it didn't work out, I look back on that drive as a first step. I'll never forget listening to the Beach Boys while crossing into Cali, feeling the cold Pacific on my feet for the first time, or driving off the 101 to find Hearst Castle and just sitting there alone, taking in the views and writing.

SF from my phone

my poor little car in the last days of its life (on a snowy morning in Flagstaff)

a mind-blowingly symbolic picture

3. Hodgenville

My first trip to Kentucky was also the first time I met my dad. I was 23. It changed everything.

My first three BIG trips will be:

- Greece

- France

- Sweden

and they will be with the love of my life.

Radvent Day 6: Starting

2011-12-06T19:25:00.045-06:00

Things I have been meaning to start foooorrrrreeeeevvvvveeeerrrrrr and need to just START ALREADY:

1. Re-learn French

I spoke French pretty well in high school and now can barely speak or understand a word (I can still read it but my brain doesn't move fast enough for verbal communication). I have to learn French because I plan on going to there to celebrate getting hitched!

(photo from greenweddingshoes.com)

2. Write that screenplay!

I've written tons of goofy little short screenplays but I have a feature in me and it's good, if I do say so myself. I think my friend James will even like it enough to produce it. I have the characters and aesthetics figured out but writing dialogue and finding that ending is daunting enough that I just can't get started. Dumb.

(the inspiration for my screenplay)

3. A garden

I keep thinking I'll do this when I have my own place but I know it's definitely possible to do a box garden or a compact garden in my grandma's yard. I want those fresh veggies but it seems so difficult!

(awesome gutter garden found on the daily buzz)

4. Send cards

I have year old emails starred in my inbox to remind me of a few people that I need to send snail mail to. That is so sad. I also really want to send out Christmas cards but there's always a reason not to. This year: no good family pictures to include, no dinero.

(obsessed with recreating this Clara Bow picture)

5. Fundraising for the theater restoration

I need to finish the business plan first and that is kicking my butt.

(we have a long way to go...)

Which one should I start with? Any words of encouragement?

Radvent Day 5: Drawing

2011-12-05T23:50:00.000-06:00

Radvent Day 4: Caring

2011-12-04T22:23:00.004-06:00

I cried at AMIA. In front of colleagues and people I admire. It was embarrassing, but then my life hero -- who happens to be a super important lady in our field -- pulled me aside and told me to not feel bad, she'd already cried twice in front of her colleagues that week. She said that we just care so much about what we do that when we get frustrated and angry over the bureaucracy behind it and the disputes that arise (which happen a lot in our field), we're extra sensitive to it. Not only does that not negatively affect my performance or ability to manage responsibility (and it certainly hasn't hurt her career), I actually think it makes me work harder and fight longer for things. Anyone can be passionate, but I think there's an emotional quality unique to women that drives us to really nurture the things that we care about.

I want to restore an old movie theater in Denton. I care about it like I've cared about few other things (not people) in my life. I think this restoration can do something wonderful and even vital for the community it's in, for the building's history and legacy, and for film exhibition in general, and I will work as long and hard as possible to see it happen. I've learned to care about myself and others, and am always thinking (as evidenced in these blog posts) about what that truly means, but the older I get the more I care about being a part of a community and giving back to it. I care more about the good I'm doing in the world (even if it's just running an art house cinema) and the lasting impact of the projects I take on. I'm finding that often my passions align with those of other people and they begin to care about my projects and take them on as their own. There is something awesome about that, and there is certainly strength in numbers. I believe more and more that change is just the result of getting enough people together who care a lot about one thing, and I can't think of anything we need more in the world right now.

Radvent Day 3: Fascinating

2011-12-03T16:20:00.006-06:00

I talked a lot about myself yesterday, so here's what I find fascinating about a couple dudes who are on my mind:

B drives me absolutely crazy by begging me to let him play violent video games and turning every harmless object he gets his hands on into a gun. He takes pride in being obnoxious, smelly and headstrong. He tries to be cool and impress his friends, who he swears all get to play first person shooter games except him. And yet, his outlook on the world is so peaceful and compassionate. He talks to me about things like war, hunger and AIDS and doesn't understand why people don't love and help each other more. In his mind, the end to these problems is entirely possible with a little selflessness. I wonder if there's a person that he is and a person that he thinks he should be. It's probably more that he's still becoming who he is and there are many different factors influencing that progression. I can see it too as he talks about popular music or the music his friends like, and the music he's naturally drawn to. I'm learning that my role is often to keep quiet and just be a good example. It's fascinating to see a classy person peak out from underneath the facade of dirt, wrestling, video games and general boyhood.

I used to creep Taso out by watching him watch movies. It's true. To be fair, it was only during the parts of movies that I really loved or responded to. I wanted to see his reactions. I love the little chances I get to clue into how he sees the world. I find his perspective fascinating. I think one thing that's drawn us to each other is the fact that we look at things in a bit of an offbeat way and are a little weird, but our perspectives are still unique to each other. I learn from him all the time and find new ways to look at old things by asking him questions, reading his writing and looking at the pictures he takes. I find him endlessly interesting. For example, I love these pictures he took this week of my favorite building, the Chrysler Building, from an interesting perspective.

As for me, I tried to take some pictures of myself looking super fascinating and trying out a new outfit, but it's hard to take outfit pictures of yourself and my cat rudely decided to groom herself mid-photo shoot.

So I tried to use the Christmas tree as a backdrop but resigned myself to that fact that iPhone self-portraits are awkward and low quality and gave up.

I do have one more self portrait that needs your attention, though. As part of a recent effort (that just happened to coincide with Radvent) to express my creativity and inner awesome (and possibly boredom) through my outward appearance, I am dying to cut bangs. It's not that I think bangs are particularly cool, I just really dig the blunt bang look but never do it because my hair is insane and enough trouble as it is. As much as it pains me to say it, my biggest hair inspiration of the moment is Zooey Deschanel. Blah. There it is.

But look, her hair is crazy wavy/curly like mine, and she makes it work! So, here I am making my best wide-eyed, vacant Zooey with (pretend) bangs face. What do you think? Can I pull it off? Should I go for it?

Radvent Day 2: Balancing

2011-12-02T23:15:00.000-06:00

This time last year I blogged about compartmentalizing as a coping mechanism and a way of keeping my emotions in check (one of the things I've really worked on over the last couple years). I think that's one of the secrets to balancing life or at least, at 26.5 years old, it is for me. It also helps me live in the present, which is something I can only really do once I've found balance in my life... hit my sweet spot, so to speak.

In the last year I've really worked on balancing my diet and health. I made it a priority. I set alarms on my phone reminding me when to eat (5 times a day), always have protein and produce in every meal and snack, carry water around with me and take vitamins. I don't eat meat and am well studied in how to maintain a balanced vegan diet (thanks to 16 years of being asked, "Where do ya get yer protein?!"), so I have always known the rules but I try to make them a priority more consistently now. I do my workout that involves cardio, weights and yoga. I eat pizza and lay around watching movies now and then because I'm a rebel. Sleep has never been very important to me, but around 25 my body decided it was important to it. So, rather begrudgingly, I turn off the lamp much earlier than I used to and drag myself out of bed so that I can be alive in time to take B to school. I go dancing till last call or stay up really late to finish a book every now and then because I'm a rebel. This kind of balance, when it's consistent, feels good. The rewards of it are tangible and they make you into a functioning (but still interesting) person.

The kind of balance that doesn't produce physical results is harder, so I compartmentalize. I think, "Ok, I've got this part down to a habit so I can move on and focus on balancing a different part of my life now." Then, too, circumstances often dictant how well-rounded your life is, so you just have to work with what you've got. Right now B gets most of my time. He needs it and I don't have much else going on. I spend my days in front of my computer, looking for jobs and working on various projects that I hope will one day lead to jobs, then I pick him up from school and I'm all his. I don't really see friends very regularly right now because they have their own busy lives, don't live nearby and it's hard for me to get away. That's fine, that's just the way things are right now and, if I make it through this part of my life, hopefully that will change. (For one thing, Taso is moving back just before Christmas!) So, right now being a mom is my primary identity and I have to find ways to balance that out so I don't lose myself in it.

I always want to be brave enough to ask people I meet what they like to do rather than what they do for a living. Often I lose the nerve because I ask myself how I would answer that question and I don't have an immediate answer that isn't, "Well, I studied/am looking for a job in film preservation." Duh. Even when I'm not working, that seems to consume my identity outside of being a parent. I explain to people what film preservation is and tell them about the theater I want to restore and the conversation ends there. When I was 13 (the first golden age of me-ness) I talked about how I was going to be a ballerina, and how loved the Pixies but I looooooved Hanson, and how my friends were skateboarders and concocting crazy outfits was one of my favorite pastimes and I didn't care what people thought of them because I knew I looked cool, and how I had a deep obsession with William Shakespeare and wrote crappy poetry when I was in a bad mood, and how Wendy was my dearest friend... And I remember caring about all of the little things that made up my friends and the people I met. I made a list in my journal of all the "about me" things that don't have anything to do with my potential career path and, as it turns out, I'm not too different now than I was at 13, except that my priorities are different. First there's being a parent, then there's having a career, then there's just being Brittan. One day soon I'll have to add "being a wife" and figure that one out too. For now, I'm mostly comfortable with how I balance those things in my daily life, even if they're skewed one direction at the moment, but I do think I would like to work more on sharing those other parts of myself with others.

There's a deeper layer here, though, that keeps me from feeling completely balanced. I don't think I'm balanced spiritually. I believe that there's a delicate balance in the universe, and that we're connected to it and to the rest of the world. Without getting too cheesy, I do think that we have a certain level of responsibility to give back to the world around us and work to achieve some sort of personal balance or harmony. I take that back - maybe it's not a responsibility. Maybe it's just a choice, but I think it's a good choice and it's a path I want to follow. Working hard to have a happy marriage that thrives for the rest of my life, and being a good, patient, loving parent is part of it. Being a good friend is part of it. Having some sort of harmonious relationship with my extended family and being an awesome addition to Taso's family is part of it. What else? Praying? Recycling? Eating compassionately? Voting intelligently? Those are things I try to do or want to do better at, but I still don't think they're enough. One of my goals in the coming year is to try to give back more, be more thoughtful, keep my mind and soul balanced.

This is B chatting online with Taso tonight. They were talking about skateboard videos. Isn't it funny? The three biggest parts of my life that I juggle - B, Taso and my bottomless inbox - all in one photo.

Radvent Day 1: Challenging

2011-12-01T23:35:00.002-06:00

This year I'm taking Princess Lasertron's Radvent Challenge to blog about a different subject every day in December. I want to be honest with myself because I could really use some soul searching right now, so I'm easing into it by writing free form in my journal and then summarizing over here. Every day I'll put up her graphic with the topic and a picture of my own. Maybe this will even get me out of the house taking pictures and looking for inspiration.

Today's topic pretty much kicked me in the face. It forced me to write about unemployment. There's no doubt that's my biggest challenge at the moment, and it comes with lots of little micro-challenges. Financially, things are just about impossible right now. I have ups and downs dealing with it but, overall, morale is low around these parts. Even when I'm up, the rest of the house is usually down about my not having a job. I live with two retired people who come from a time when the economy and workforce just worked differently, and a kid who shouldn't have to understand what it's like to deal with these grownup things. It's just me in this little boat, sailing through the storm... with one ore... trying to stuff the holes in the bottom with my dignity...

So, gratitude. I've learned that gratitude and happiness go hand in hand. I want to stay humble and grateful. Out of a long, long period of unemployment, underemployment and job-to-job came the wild notion to move to New York and pursue something completely new that I was genuinely passionate about. It changed me, my life and my future for the better. I don't have a job to show for it yet but it gives me hope that out of this will come the product of my hard work. I was held back a few years ago from things I really thought I wanted and it helped me find my way into what I really want, love and need. The eternal optimist in me believes that that's happening again.

As for reflection... I have a tendency to put challenges I've overcome behind me and not look at them again, or not look at them frequently enough. I'm glad to stop and reflect on my big challenge of 2011: my thesis. I did it. It put a few pounds on my body and wrinkles in my forehead, but I did it. There was a point when I truly didn't think that I could, and I guess I'm only just now as I type this realizing what it means that I did it, did it on time and did a good job on it, despite having no support from my professor and going through some really challenging things in my personal life. I'm grateful to my friend/professor, Moya, who wasn't getting paid to help me but did anyway, and gave me the exact encouraging words I needed to crawl out of my hole of despair and start writing again. I'm grateful to my best friend who never asked anything of me during that time, but stepped up to be there for me to lean on, showing me that he could actually make a pretty kickass husband. I am forever grateful to the six other people in my class without whom I seriously would not have finished MIAP. My gratitude expands beyond those people who were right around me at the time, to my family in Texas and my wonderful friends outside of NYU, to...God.

Yeah. I know I'm not alone. I know there are things in the works out there, just beyond our senses, hovering above our understanding, connecting us and orchestrating the ebb and flow of our lives. I don't understand it but I feel it.

As I reflect, I realize that my thesis was not the hugest thing ever. It was just a paper and people write papers all the time, but for me it was a battle with myself. I challenged myself to meet higher standards than I normally set for myself and I met them. I challenged myself to stop hating grad school and questioning my life choices and actually do something worthwhile. I exceeded my own expectations of myself and for me that. is. huge. But, more than anything, I realize that the best part of life (sometimes, as the world continues to go completely crazy, it seems like the only good part) is that we don't do things alone. We have people who tell us that what we have to say is important, who sacrifice for us and watch out for us, and who send love and good energy our way to give us the extra push we need.

So there it is. My personal journal entry was so mopey but I came here (intending to just summarize) and finally worked it out. As humans we have some incredible things inside of us that help us to overcome challenges (even crippling ones like unemployment) and help other humans through their challenges, and that right there is enough to keep me going in this crazy, mixed up world.

This is my photo of the day. I just took it.

I was convinced I would have Christmas in my own home this year, with a real tree and my own kitchen to bake in. But here I am. I'm looking at Christmas lights through the gauzy curtains of my grandma's spare bedroom as I watch Hulu and apply for Craigslist jobs. It's not very glam, but life doesn't always look like the alt-indie-pretty blogs we love to follow. I'm doing the best I can and, after hashing it out, I feel better about that.

AMIA 2011

2011-11-30T13:00:00.001-06:00

I got really lucky this year. The Association of Moving Image Archivists' Conference was held in Austin this November, so I could go! Between carpooling down, speaking on a panel and volunteering to blog for the conference, I managed to get almost all of my expenses covered (which were covered by NYU the past two years, and for many people are covered by the institutions they work for). This was part dumb luck and part generosity of others, and I am super grateful. Next year I will give back by actually paying my AMIA membership fee!

My friend Siobahn, who was in the MIAP class just before mine, came down to visit friends in Dallas, so we spent Monday and Tuesday visiting archives around here before driving down to Austin together. We visited the Sixth Floor Museum and learned about their research library and what it's like to be THE source for JFK-assassination-related materials (just think of how often you see that stuff in popular culture). We also visited the Dallas Museum of Art's archives and got tickets to the uh-mazing Jean Paul Gaultier exhibit. I'm not the most into fashion but I do like beautiful things and that certainly includes clothes and people. The theatricality of some of his work is absolutely breathtaking, other times it's just fun.

Once in Austin we checked in, ate breakfast tacos and went to the AMIA opening cocktail reception. I had a minor case of social anxiety, the kind I only get when unemployed and forced to socialize with people in my field. I needed a reality check, so I headed off to my second home at Gregg and Macario's apartment. They took me out to Barbarella and I danced all night like I haven't in years and all was right with the world.

The conference itself was a bit of an emotional roller coaster. I had a wonderful time with my MIAP friends that could make it (only June and Sam L. from my class, Siobahn and John from earlier years). There were several exciting panels and I got to see Kodacolor projected. The film looks black and white unless it's used with this lenticular system that requires a special projector, lens and screen. Dino Everett from the Hugh Hefner Archive (yep) at USC brought the whole setup and gave us a demonstration. Very cool.

Archival Screening Night (where people bring clips of awesome things found/preserved in their archive that year) wasn't as good as it usually is content-wise, but there were still some fun moments. My favorite was when a bat started flying around the Paramount Theatre during some very old 16mm footage.

Hands down the coolest screening at AMIA this year was when we all went under a bridge at Lady Bird Lake and watched 16mm film projected onto fog. I can't believe it worked... and yet, I can! So amazing. Check this out:

My panel went well, though it was rather intense. We talked about navigating the changing landscape of archival film print lending. Studios are totally over film, and only focusing on digital projection, so archives are getting all of the requests for studio prints now. Archives don't typically have a ton of money and resources to keep up with the demand, and even when they do they find that theaters often mess up their super expensive, rare prints. It's a tricky situation because many (though certainly not all, as I learned at the conference) archivists want to keep showing films on film rather than show these old films on a digital format (for lots of reasons), but something about the current system has to change. I was on the panel with people from the Academy (of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences) Film Archive, MoMA and the Alamo Drafthouse, so I felt more than a little out of place, but I talked about my thesis and how I think it's important for us to educate art house theaters on archival projection so we can lend our prints to them blah blah... Have I lost you? Well, anyway, I thought it went well enough and the discussions I had with people afterward were encouraging. Then I had my super early morning Projection and Presentation Committee meeting where we hashed out all of the issues again, and that did not go as well. It's depressing to hear important people so close to the issue brush off the idea that archival films should be viewed on film as romantic and nostalgic and sing the praises of DCP. (I should add a reminder that I'm talking about archival films that were shot and released before the digital revolution, not new films shot digitally.) I shed some frustration tears that morning, but then took a break and spent my last day lunching and antiquing with a some wonderful friends (including the MoMA panelist) and was reminded that lots of people do agree with me and someone has to be passionate about this stuff!

On a more personal note, I'm pretty proud of my networking prowess. I met a bunch of people I wanted to meet and tried to sell myself as someone they should hire. No luck on that front yet, but I tried my hardest. I'm more proud than anything of how many awesome friends I've made in my field. Not networking, ladder climbing, use-them-to-get-a-job "friends" (what is that anyway?), but real friends that are awesome and that I connect with because we are all old souls and have weird things in common. I love that.

I did still try to sell myself when it was appropriate, of course. I am financially challenged at the moment, but I know what a good outfit can do for one's confidence, especially at these events where professional life awkwardly meets social life. Rather than spending money I don't have, I opted for an un-Brittan-like approach. I went treasure hunting in the dark corners of my closet. For example, I paired the old Gap dress I impulse bought and have never worn with the cardigan I've been wearing as often as possible since June, the $150 JCrew necklace I got for $18, the trusty gray tights from my first New York winter and my old boots that I haven't worn in at least two years. I somehow hated all of these things less when I put them together than I normally do, and samesies for the outfits I wore every other day but did not photograph because I don't really like taking/seeing pictures of myself. This photo conveniently crops out the top knot I was rocking for the 7am committee meeting I was on my way to, but I did wear my signature flowy curls (nurtured with that bottle of Jason, bottom left) the rest of the time. I am job searching, must use all my best assets!

Speaking of hair, I also did this to Gregg with my awesome curling rod and told everyone he was going to audition for a Prince video. A highlight of my week for sure.

So, that was my AMIA. Lots of talk of film and begging for jobs, but way more Tex Mex dinners with my New York friends, dance parties and cuddle sessions with my Austin friends, vegan brunches with new friends, and geeking out over old movies with just about everyone. If anyone would like to hire me or point me in the direction of someone who will hire, you know where to find me.

A Thanksgiving I never saw coming.

2011-11-28T14:05:00.001-06:00

Oh hey. My computer and I have kind of been on a break lately. Our relationship was becoming unhealthy and making me spend far too much time rolling around in the fetal position wishing all of the stressful emails from the industry listservs would go away and be replaced by job offers. I spent a week at the Association of Moving Image Archivists conference which I will blog about when... well, when I feel like it. Then Taso came home and there was just so much thanks to give. Let's talk about that one.

I didn't really take pictures this Thanksgiving. We spent a long weekend with Taso's family that included feasting, cuddling babies and a Dallas Stars game. I made two pumpkin pies from scratch and felt so grateful that I could pick a pumpkin and turn it into something that would feed and please the people I love. Who would have ever thought this girl would fall so in love with cooking that she would wake up early on Saturdays to get first pick at the farmer's market; that she would enjoy the process more than the final product? The more I cook the less I eat, too. Who'd have thought, I say?! Not me. I also made roasted seasonal vegetables and vegan gravy (recipe here - it's so good) that people (other than B and I) actually ate!

We announced our engagement to his family and were one upped by the announcement that his cousin is having twins! And the hugs and happiness multiplied so much so that there was more than enough to go around and around and around. Such happiness and so much more than I could have expected.

This year I just took in the little moments and the happy satisfaction that I'm settling into.

So that's it. Those are all my pictures from the last four blissful days. Everything else remains in my memory.

If you'd told me last year, when I was having an equally fantastic time NOT celebrating Thanksgiving but living it up in Toronto with my dear friend Charlotte, that this Thanksgiving would be full of family, Taso and happiness, I would have been utterly confused. I was so settled in my solitary Brooklyn life. I had almost forgotten what it was like to be attached to people. I had forgotten about shopping at Target and the suburban sprawl that makes me so uncomfortable (still). I felt so very alive. I loved my heavy tights, thick scarves, well worn winter boots and the (relative) ease of my Metrocard. When I think of sitting in underground tea rooms and walking everywhere and my little room with hardwood floors and my wholeness as an independent person, I feel something of a longing in my gut. But -- let me tell you -- a season for everything and everything in its place.

This year I felt truly thankful for those days and for these and for the ways that life sneaks up on you.

Field Trip

2011-11-14T16:03:00.002-06:00

Things I learned on my son's 4th grade field trip to a nature conservatory:

1. Teachers do not get paid enough. (Duh, but, really.)

2. I could never be a teacher.

3. Kids, as a whole, are hungry to learn.

4. B is a good kid.

5. B's friend Abraham is cooler than you.

family and future family

2011-11-14T15:33:00.000-06:00

B and I went to see Iphigenia in Tauris, a Greek play, with Taso's family the other day.

I talked it up, but B was skeptical.

He won this round. The acting was pretty terrible and B, Taso's sister and I got antsy. I spent the last 20 minutes drawing a family portrait on B's hand and giving him knuckle tattoos to keep him contained. At the reception afterward there was a big Greek feast and Taso's dad got to talk to "Real Greeks" about what's going on over there right now, while B got to pig out and try all kinds of new foods. It was fun to see them both so happy.

While we're on the subject, this:

2011-11-13T09:43:00.001-06:00

“She was ready to deny the existence of space and time rather than admit that love might not be eternal.”

—	*Simone de Beauvoir*

2011-11-12T09:05:00.001-06:00

I miss my life in New York so much today. The trade off is worth it, that goes without saying, but if I had known it would make me feel like this...

Happy Halloween!

2011-10-31T22:09:00.001-05:00

B decorated the front yard and we got all 1940s undead up in here! This is the first year he's gone as something scary -- WWII zombie solider, in case it's not clear -- and, I have to admit, I had a little mom freakout over him growing up so fast. There were emotions. But then I got over it and made his face look AWESOME (if I do say so myself). The bottom picture was taken at the end of the night when the makeup was starting to wear off (he made me pretend to be a scary doctor from an old B movie dezombifying him) and the candy coma set in, but he still looks pretty creepy, right?

he never danced with another since he saw me standing there

2011-10-30T22:30:00.001-05:00

My love story is long, complicated.

2007 - Dallas
August Rush
after party
red dress
chocolates
conversation

I remember feeling a warmth rush over my body. Without turning around I knew that the boy had walked up behind me and, though I had no idea why he was standing so close to me, I felt at once a strange familiarity and an energy that I had never felt before.

There we sat, in that little spot outside the Angelika Theater, eating our stolen treats and talking for the first time like the oldest friends. When it was time for me to leave he shakily asked me for my phone number and I, most uncharacteristically, gave it to him.

I don't know what made him talk to me that night, what made me agree to go see The Darjeeling Limited with him the next day or what made me rethink everything I believed about men, relationships and life to allow myself to fall in love with him. There was something there that chained us to each other, that made us want (sometimes it felt like HAVE) to figure it out.

I became a better person thanks to his understanding and trust, and I deeply admired his courage to take on my complicated life like it was his own. He was 20 years old, a college student with good grades, well behaved, nice, never in trouble, friends with his parents. His life was pretty straightforward - skateboarding, school, family and loyal friends.

I was me and B and my family and my experiences... I was a lot to take on and, frankly, I didn't believe anyone capable of it.

We broke up unceremoniously, but stayed together. We were best friends and we loved each other. "The love of my life," he said, and I knew it was true for both of us. Rarely a day went by that we didn't talk, a week that we didn't spend together. I laugh now as I type, "It was hard." It was the hardest thing I'd ever done.

I went through a nasty post-college bout with depression. (Side note: does this happen to everyone? Now all my friends tell me they went through something similar but at the time I felt so terribly alone.) It's tough to say whether it was caused by the relationship ending or the other way around, or if the two just happened to coincide. I would guess the latter.

We tried to figure it out so many times. Okay, we'll just convince our friends and family that we know what we're doing, then... we'll figure out what we're doing? What if we take it reallllllllly slow? Too late for that, it seems. What if we just stay friends? ...who are in love and want to spend their lives together... Hmm. What if we just run away? Then we would push each other away. I tried to date other people with disastrous outcomes. I was so sad and, I know now, he was too. It felt like we were always waiting for the time to be right.

But, in the meantime, we had lives to lead. He finished college. I moved to L.A. I hated L.A. and moved back. I moved to New York. I fell in love with New York and thought, perhaps this is the love of my life. Perhaps I am the love of my own life and I can just stay in this city and let myself be wrapped up in it and that be enough. And eventually, that became true. It was.

I lived in Hawaii for a summer and when he came to visit me, I knew that things were different. Oh, the love was still there. The friendship that had grown from being each others' confidants over the last three years was deep. We knew each other so well that we were beyond reading tone of voice or facial expression, we could sense each other. I knew now that we were grown ups, it was time to do this or move on. I let go at last. I took my heart back and put it somewhere else. I felt new things.

But, while I was doing that, he was working to figure this out, to be everything that I -- and we -- need. He sat me down one day (when we were both now living in New York) and laid this at my feet. He said that all he had was mine and asked me to take it, to trust him... after all of this. I asked him to take a step back and wait, and he said, "As long as it takes." My heart knew what I was going to do long before my brain had decided.

On the 4-year anniversary of that first night that I wore a red dress and he asked me to go see a movie with him, he took me to a movie and asked me to marry him. In that moment I knew that every choice I've made has lead me to this and, more importantly, that they were the right choices.

Our story is not very conventional. We're not very conventional, but we've worked hard to get here and -- after all of that hard work, all the tears and anger and long nights on the phone and moves across country -- we still enjoy the pleasure of each other's company more than anyone else's. If I have learned anything it's that love is not one easily-defined thing, and it is also not enough to hold two people together. When I realized that I didn't want to live out my life without this person in it, well, the choice was made for me.

This one... he is my best friend, my most trusted confidant and the person I most hope B grows up to be like. I love him and I am so very stoked to be his wife.

Radio and Juliet and saying goodbye

2011-10-24T20:22:00.000-05:00

I've wanted to see Radio and Juliet for so long. It's Ballet Maribor's retelling of Romeo & Juliet set to the music of Radiohead and I just happened to be in town during its NYC premiere. Fate! The show was spellbinding and beautiful. Quiet, haunting and sad. I felt for the first time especially sad for Juliet's side of the tragedy. In this interpretation she was very alone and trapped in a male-driven world of violence and miscommunication... which is guess is how it is written, but was really effectively done through sparse staging and intricate, complicated movement. The dancers were exquisite, their bodies like finely tuned machines. I was choked up for a solid hour.

The rest of my trip was quiet. I stupidly relied on automatic bill pay through my bank (which I never do) and my biggest monthly payment ended up going through twice in the same week, so I was out of money and snapped back into reality a little earlier than I'd hoped. Taso and I played our board game, saw a Godard film at Film Forum and he treated me to a fancy dinner, but other than that we just hung out and enjoyed being penniless and in love in the city. I am back in Texas fighting being really sad. I won't let it happen. I am blessed, lucky, fulfilled and happy. Yes it's hard being poor and not having a job, and it's hard waiting another month until I see my best friend again. I'm overwhelmed with all the work I have to do that I'm not getting paid for. It's hard not having friends around or the excitement and challenge of the city, but if these are the things that I have to complain about... well, I really shouldn't be complaining at all. I have so much.

One night Taso and I went to Soho to visit Greg, a MoMA projectionist and dear friend, and his family. It was life-affirming visit. We are all troubled by the state of the world, and feel solidarity with those occupying Wall Street (they join them regularly and I would too if I still lived there). We all struggle but also recognize how much good is around us and feel gratitude for it. I want to be in love for the rest of my life and be good to the people around me. I want to stand up for the things I believe in and fight for the things I care about, even if they're just the format a film is projected on and supporting the work of unemployed artists.

I don't know, these are just some thoughts I left New York with. And now, two parting shots -- one taken by me and one taken by former #apt2b-mate Sam.

This is how I want to remember New York.

Friends

2011-10-24T12:25:00.000-05:00

I didn't get to see enough of my friends during my whirlwind week in New York. Some I missed altogether, others I just got a couple hours with here and there. It made me long to be back there permanently.

One of my favorite nights of the whole trip was Thursday, when my MIAP friends that are still in New York went out for pizza at Roberta's in Williamsburg. It was a perfect, chilly night filled with cider and delicious food (seriously, everything was so delicious and fresh, a lot of the ingredients grown in their own garden). The wait was insanely long, but I was kind of glad because it meant more time huddled outside on the patio with Swinny, jumping from conversation to conversation, trying desperately to catch up with everyone.

My grad program, probably more than most, threw together a small, mismatched group of people with something so specific in common that, just as there was bound to be some fireworks, there was bound to be some matches made in heaven. Of course I'm happy to be in Texas where I have B and Splinter and the option of not sleeping under a bridge, but I feel the absence of a circle of friends every day. My best friends are not too far from me, but life here is such that I rarely get to see them. I wish I had had a little more time before I moved to appreciate all the relationships I had in New York without the stress of my thesis looming.

It was hard to leave the city after only a couple hours with Danielle, and not getting to see Moya. I was sad to think that I'd spent such little time with Meg and not seen her at all on this trip. It hit me this time that I have left behind so many wonderful friendships that could enrich my life and make me a better person. And, yeah, it was hard to not go home with my old #apt2b roommates at the end of the night.

HANSON IN NYC

2011-10-21T00:06:00.000-05:00

This is the only picture I took Tuesday night because I was too busy having the time of my life. No big deal.

I was bummed when I found out I would miss Hanson in Texas last weekend. First there were plans for Charlotte, of Toronto fame, and also one half of my Canadian Hanson family and also I am kind of obsessed with her, to come to Texas for the show and fun times. THEN Wendy, my fellow Hanson fan since '97 and lifemate since '85, who I haven't been to a show with in years now wanted to go... The fact that all of this was happening at the State Fair of Texas AKA fried food capital of the world was just the icing on the deep fried Twinkie. Basically, the ingredients for an amazing time were all there. But my trip was extended by a weekend and the dudes got sick and had to cancel anyway (I am selfishly quite happy about this because now I get to take Wendy and B to the makeup show), so I had to change plans and go to the NYC show instead!

I went alone because Taso worked all night and no one else that I know in this city is willing to spend money and stand in line for hours to listen to "Mmmbop" (that's not to say that Taso is but, you know, love and sacrifices and stuff). But I guess at a Hanson concert you're never really alone. I made friends with a handful of characters, including one Brooklyn gal that I'm pretty sure is Judy Garland Show-era Barbara Streisand reincarnated as a Hanson fan. It was fascinating.

I think most of you who know me well will be happy to know (as was I) that, 14 years later, I am still the girl who loses her chiz during "A Minute Without You" and basically cries every time Taylor Hanson speaks. Some things never change. I will never be cool. It was kind of funny to see lots of very hip looking dudes at the show, singing along to "Mmmbop" and dancing to "Been There Before." I guess liking Hanson is an ironic thing now? Or people have figured out they're legit? These were definitely not uncomfortable boyfriends. These guys were in lady-less groups that had beards and knew words to songs and clapped and at no point made jokes about Taylor being a pretty girl. I don't know... but I'm not complaining.

I will spare you any further details (also I'm saving them for a very detailed, long email to my Canadian Hanson friends that involves lots of capital letters and exclamation marks and uses of the phrase "I die"), but the Musical Ride Tour was a success. Possibly a shorter show than most, and a kind of generic set list, but they always bring the goods and I always dance a lot and feel like I'm on drugs or something for the next 12 hours.

Day 5 in NYC

2011-10-20T12:35:00.000-05:00

Have you guys ever played Carcassonne?

What about Settlers of Catan? Risk? You've definitely played Risk, right?

Monday, after a long day apart (petsitting/school) we feasted on Greek food and then colonized the South of France whilst eating "French cookies," as Taso calls them. Carcassonne is like the two-person mini version of Settlers of Catan (or so the box told me) and is really fun once you get the hang of it.

Your little guys claim roads, cities, farms and cloisters as you try to build up the area around Carcassonne. We've both got the conquering part down, the building a functional city, not so much. It's super fun though! We want Risk -- I've never played it, can you believe? -- but can't agree on which version. Also it's expensive. If there are any other nerds out there that read my blog, please weigh in -- which version of Risk is the most awesome? It's the Star Wars one, isn't it? I knew it.

Oh yeah, I'm engaged. Remember when that happened? Details to come.

Sunday in NYC: The One Where I Get Engaged

2011-10-17T00:04:00.001-05:00

Day 2 and 3 in NYC

2011-10-17T00:01:00.000-05:00

Dog walking (you're doing it wrong) in Prospect Park and kitty tending (Taso and Beam bonded so much that he even braved the smell of cat food to help feed him) for our friends in Brooklyn.

Trying new restaurants around NYU. B-boys dancing to bagpipe music in Washington Square Park. Good (?) to know not much has changed since I graduated.

Eating a delicious, fancy dinner followed by dessert overload.

I hope my Austin people got out to Home Movie Day! I was really sad to miss the event this year, but an extra weekend in New York with the Greek is nothing to complain about. We tried to make it out to the one in Queens, but the MTA had other plans for us. Oh well, I'm already making plans to host my own Home Movie Day 2012!

This weekend has been incredible. I've only been here a few days but it feels like I never left. The first day I kept thinking how glad I am that this isn't my life anymore, but within hours in I was already forgetting that it isn't. This city left a dent on my heart, but I guess it does for everyone who leaves it.

Day 1 in NYC

2011-10-14T18:28:00.002-05:00

Hi from New York!

Yesterday my early morning straight flight to New York turned into 4 hours of delays and plane changes before I even got out of Dallas and then more delays in the air (flying around in circles over the city you're supposed to land in is the WORST when you have an anxiety disorder). I arrived several hours late and my buddy Sneve picked me up so we could get Foodswings (vegetarian junk food), see my Swinny (hooray!) and go take care of my friend Danielle's cute pets (she's in Dallas - we traded cities for the weekend).

I took this upside down picture of me and Sneve in the car.

Moving on...

Finally, I got to head back to Manhattan where I found Taso at an Apple store (of course) for a discussion with one of our favorite filmmakers, Wes Anderson. I spied on him from upstairs till it was over and then we went to the 10th anniversary screening of THE ROYAL TENENBAUMS with Wes Anderson, Eric Anderson, Bill Murray, Angelica Houston and Gwenyth Paltrow in attendance. When I saw Bill Murray stand up in the audience and wave at the end, I totally lost my mind. I don't know why, but it was such a surreal moment seeing Bill Murray in person. Maybe because I love him so much, maybe because he just doesn't really seem like a real person. I was surprised -- although I don't know why -- to find the film resonated with me on a very different level than it did 10 years ago. Watching it as a grownup made it less frustrating and, in fact, a much more cathartic experience. Also, the colors are even more incredible on a film print on the big screen. I definitely didn't appreciate that 10 years ago. I guess you don't know what you have till it's practically gone.

Can you find Taso in this picture?

The Q&A was amazing. Everyone spent a good amount of time talking about how much they hate Gene Hackman (who plays Royal Tenenbaum, in case you haven't seen it) and Bill Murray cracked everyone up the whole time. There was a fun bit of bickering between the moderaters, Antonio Monda and Noah Baumbach, and Wes Anderson, and Angelica Houston was as glamorous as you might imagine. Gwenyth Paltrow, despite her jegging situation and overabundance of "bling," was pretty charming and delightfully self-deprecating when it came to things like her role in IRON MAN and not-worthiness next to Mz. Houston.

I spent a little too long hanging around after oogling Bill Murray as he tried to make his way through a crowd of bumrushers (I was not one of them though), and then we drug our (really just my) weary bones back to Brooklyn to feed and walk the pets one more time. The next thing I remember is waking up this morning in bed in Manhattan.

Come, Fall, and welcome!

2011-10-10T09:35:00.000-05:00

It's my favorite time of year! The farmer's market is alive with dense, hearty breads, pumpkins and gourds (which I didn't photograph but definitely did buy), and soccer season is in full swing.

I finally talked my mom into going to the farmer's market with me and she's hooked. I swear, it's reason alone to stay in this town. One of these days I'll have to do a full rundown of all my favorite things there. There is one family that always has the BEST APPLES EVER and beautiful heirloom cucumbers, and another lady who sells dairy free sorbets that she claims are "like catnip for humans" -- true words were never printed. The chamomile orange is my favorite. I spend $40 there every Saturday and we eat for the week. I'm really enjoying watching the offerings change with the seasons and getting to know so many local farmers.

B's soccer team is so driven this season. They're a spirited group of boys, lead by a very dedicated coach, and they try so hard. B has no desire to be an athlete (he doesn't have a competitive bone in his body), so I'm glad he's on a team with a lot of heart, minus all the crazy ambition. (Well... there is one mom...) Soccer parents drive me crazy but I try to tune them out. I think B has decided that he wants to play soccer for as long as he can without the pressure of getting on the select teams, or the headache of getting screamed at by parents who are pushing their kids to realize dreams they never fulfilled. It sounds like such a cliche but it's true. I'm cool with that. Fun Saturdays at the fields, but no pressure.

Fall feels like a time of rebirth to me. A crisp wind ushers out the hot, dusty summer and that undefinable feeling that there is something to look forward to creeps back in. I get excited every October for some things that I can name and some things that come back year after year, but I've yet to put my finger on. Right now I'm excited to be with Taso again. I leave for New York on Thursday, and I've been busying myself with scraping together a fall wardrobe and planning fun things to do with Taso and all my New York friends. I am so excited to see them and the city that I can't think about it too much or I might explode.

Boot Camper of the Day

2011-10-09T21:58:00.001-05:00

This week I was boot camper of the day. Yep.

I had hit a wall with my workouts. I was doing better but still struggling with cardio and I didn't see physical evidence of improvement in my figure. After a month of really early morning workouts, my calves are tighter and I have more energy, but that's about it. I've been trying to master the perfect balance of protein and produce without eating animal products and learn how to breathe through the Spartacus workout that beat me every time. This week I did it -- without puking, yay! -- and I moved up to heavier weights. I realize that a little praise at workout class doesn't really mean anything, but the recognition was nice. "Brittan, I noticed the new attitude today," my coach said. And it's true, I realized that every time I feel good it's because I've been decisive and made a choice. To wake up, to think about what I eat, to drink extra water, to use bigger weights, whatever it may be. That day I decided that I was going to focus and move up to the third level on all of my workouts. I set a goal of being boot camper of the day and I did it.

I've had really bad anxiety for the last year or so. When it got bad before I was lucky enough to get to live in Hawaii for a few months, and that pretty much cured me. I learned so much from that and now I need to call on what I learned there to heal from within.

1. Hawaii taught me that nothing is more important than family. The work day there is short and every non-tourist activity on Oahu is centered around family. This is an ideal most of us have, but it's much harder than it seems to put it in action. When you're a parent it means making really hard decisions and putting things aside, physically or mentally, when your child needs your full attention.

2. In Hawaii I learned to never let my health fail (again). Always be in tune with my body, what I'm putting into it and what I'm doing with it. Maybe getting a massage or taking a nap seems like a luxury I can't afford, but it could be the thing that keeps me from getting sick or exhausting myself. I also learned to be acutely aware of my limits and allow myself enough freedom to reach out and touch them without crossing over.

3. Finally, I learned to stop and think. Simple. Stop, think, act. Thinking doesn't mean avoiding or putting something off. It means coming to a decision, acting on that decision and not backing down from it. It also means facing it head on, taking responsibility and being mature about it. That's the hard part.

I went to see an acupuncturist the other day, hoping to curb some of the physical effects of the anxiety. I couldn't afford an acupuncture session yet, but his advice resonated with me. I'm in a place where I feel very little control over many of the most important parts of my life, and that's hard for me. I get rejected for every job I apply for and I feel trapped most of the time, and isolated from opportunity. This makes me anxious and the only way I can calm myself is by making deliberate choices in my daily life.

If waking up early, using heavier weights, shopping at the farmer's market, cooking whole dinners and managing my finances is all I can do right now, then I'll do it. I'll do the extra work, make business cards, go to the conference and shake a bunch of hands. I'll keep pushing and working for the career that I want, and I won't feel sorry for myself anymore. I don't know how I'm connecting getting in shape with every other aspect of my life... I guess I just hope that if I apply the same principles I'll achieve more little victories.

Steve Jobs

2011-10-06T10:38:00.000-05:00

I'm saddened by Steve Jobs' death. Apple products are a huge part of my personal and professional life. Maybe it seems silly because it's technology, a luxury, but when I think about all of the parts of my life - and the lives of millions of others - that are regularly influenced or affected by Apple products, I am amazed by Steve Jobs' positive impact on the world.

I have a (PRODUCT) RED iPod Nano, the proceeds of which went to The Global Fund. It served me well for years before I passed it on to B, who uses it daily. It helps him learn how to play songs on the piano and comforts him when he's "in a mood" (usually storming off angrily to his room when he gets in trouble). Sometimes when he can't sleep at night he listens to it for hours and I pretend to not know.

I have an iPod shuffle that I use exclusively for working out. It is seriously what stood between me actually going for that run and making excuses as to why I couldn't. The only music it gets to play is Gaga, Britney, Daft Punk and Yelle, but it is a very important part of my world.

I found out about his passing like many of you probably did, on my iPhone. Is there is a more game-changing invention of the last decade? That fact that we all know how to type on a screen with our thumbs, swipe to navigate and don't think talking into our camera is weird after only four years is proof of its impeccable design. In addition to being my phone and texting device, it's my radio, GPS, news, yellow pages, dictionary, map, photo album, gaming device and alarm clock. I check my bank accounts, look up movie times, check the weather, take notes, shop, make videos... the list goes on and on, but I don't need to tell you because most of you do it too. Maybe it's made us more dependent on technology, but (in my case, at least) it's also freed up a lot of time for us to do more important things. On my drive to Austin last weekend I used it to listen to Greek lessons and learned three new phrases, then I used it to find a short cut to my friend's house when I got in town.

My MacBook is ooooold. It's not a Pro, just a regular old white MacBook that is now a little dirty and relatively outdated. Yet I still use it every single day (I'm typing on it right now. It says hi.) for all of my work. It helped me write my thesis and countless other papers, I wrote for the Dallas Observer on it, I screened movies and wrote press releases for AFI Dallas other film festivals on it, and before that I had a little 12" PowerBook that got me through my undergrad. I love this thing and when it gives out on me I will buy another Mac because they are fun, easy to use, dependable machines. It's clear in their function and design that they were created by someone with great passion for his product.

Taso loves Apple and follows their every move more closely than anyone I know. If you have a question, he's your guy. Not just in an Apple Store employee kind of way (which he's not, but could probably out-Apple anyone at the Genius Bar), but as a true, devoted academic (which he is, down to his core, but that's another topic all together). He reads the blogs and books, follows trends, knows all the ins and outs there are to know about the company and, needless to say, is a big admirer Steve Jobs. In some ways (probably more than I know), that has influenced who he is and his beliefs. He doesn't see anyone's dream as being too big, and I love that about him.

I didn't expect to write very much about this, but reflecting on the ways in which this one company is integrated into my daily life really got me thinking. It's inspiring to know that one person with a single vision can make an impact like this. It encourages me to not just accept defeat and give up on the things I believe in in my own life and career. Like Mr. Jobs said:

2011-10-04T13:56:00.001-05:00

Let's get real for a second. I know my blog is boring lately. But, you see, that's just because my life is not very exciting. This is any given day in the last month of my life:

- wake up at 4:55am, eat something small/protein-ish and a couple apple slices, head to boot camp
- cardio, weights, cardio, ouch, can't breathe, tears, cardio, foam roller, OUCH, wimper, head home
- drag B out of bed (literally) and sleepwalk him to the kitchen table for breakfast
- pack his lunch, say "did you brush your teeth?"/"don't forget to fill out your reading log!" five times each, sign folders/papers/progress reports/reading logs, take him to school, embarrass him by saying "i love you"
- set up my portable office at a coffee shop
- email, write cover letters, send resumes, fill out online job applications (the black hole of the Internet), get lost in Google Reader (the land of things I will never be able to afford/have the time to do/see/wear/buy for my non-existent house), email, work on various projects that I am not getting paid for but have convinced myself will help my career, wait for phone to ring telling me I have an interview (this has not happened yet)
- go to The Shop, continue above + some receptionist stuff
- listen to WRR Classical 101.1 on my drive home - this is what we call "me time"
- get home, ground B for whatever he's done that day
- give B serious "talking to"
- take B to soccer/piano
- go through cooking dinner, checking homework, getting him bathed/in bed with a book in a daze
- collapse, fall asleep before he does

Taso is still in New York till December and I still feel like life is waiting to get started, but I did have an awesome weekend in Austin that helped break up the monotony.

My friend Sneve from New Jersey and I both visited Austin in hopes of moving there (except he actually had an interview because he's smart and works in computers and I just went to ask people to pretty please consider hiring me), so I took the opportunity to show him around and feed him all the foods I've been telling about since we first bonded over being vegetarian fat kids. I've been such a good vegan lately, but this was Sneve Weekend.

I picked him up Friday and promptly took him to get breakfast tacos, because... priorities.

Then I showed him my favorite places - Antone's Records (I seriously love this shop, even though it's not the most exciting that Austin has to offer. It's full of rockabilly, jazz, swing, doo-wop and other such genres that I love.), Toy Joy (for vegan soft serve!) and a little mini tour around some pretty Austin neighborhoods.

(I bought this for my long, lost Swinny.)

We then met my friends and went out for burritos, Sneve's favorite food and an Austin specialty.

(Check out my bracelet bought at the Greek fest! Maybe one day I will buy one in real Greece.)

That night we went out and I'm pretty sure Sneve fell in like like with Austin while I got my giggle on with my best friends. Aren't they attractive? I wish I had pictures of all of them. These people have been my nearest and dearest for the better part of a decade and I love them. If only Justin had been there and I had put even a little bit of effort into my appearance. Sigh.

The next morning(ish) we had the best brunch I've had in a loooong time at Halcyon. Whoever had the brilliant idea to bread french toast with coconut is getting a big kiss from me, if ever we meet. Also, grapefruit juice has replaced orange juice as my juice of choice. Seven year old me is having an identity crisis.

Saturday was also the day I got to introduce Sneve to the fabled popcorn tofu from Wheatsville Co-op. I think I've been telling him about it as long as I've known him. I won't tell you how much we ate but I will tell you that neither of us has any regrets.

And I got to hang out with Gregg. Yay!

It was a pretty spectacular weekend, and I'm glad Sneve enjoyed Austin as much as I do. It was fun to be a tour guide. We ended it the best way possible, with a relaxing picnic in Zilker park.

Yep, quite the great time. I love this city and these people. I like to fantasize about all of us living here, but I know that now is the time for patience.

Thanks, Sneve, for sharing your pictures!

SMU

2011-10-04T10:30:00.001-05:00

I really love my alma mater, Southern Methodist University. I only had a couple friends there (hi, Angela!) because, well, maybe I didn't give them a chance but... I'm really not much of a sorority girl type. Most of my non-mom time in college (and there wasn't very much of it) was spent in dirty Denton bars watching loud bands or dancing with gay boys. But! I have the fondest memories of my school. I loved my professors and felt really taken care of by the school. My classes were small and, more than anything, my campus was (is) gorgeous. I used to walk across it every day and feel lucky to go to school there. I think I felt even luckier when I went to NYU for grad school and realized that there may be a connection between having a nice college campus and how well a school treats its students.

The other day I went by to ask them to hire me (no, I didn't apply for a job, it was more like, "Hey, I'm a film archivist, can I archive SMU's films?") and then went for a little walk around campus. I stopped and took in the early morning silence of the campus and then snapped this picture. That's Dallas Hall, the gorgeous building in which I took all of my literature classes. My minor was English and I studied British Literature: Wordsworth - Yeats, grad-level Shakespeare and linguistics. Those were my favorite classes and they felt so perfectly suited to the stately old building, with the beautiful crest in the floor that everyone superstitiously tiptoed around. I loved my first poetry class, 10 of us gathered around a huge, dark oak table in soft leather chairs, thumbing through the Norton Anthology of English Literature and listening to our ancient professor talk about Tennyson like he knew him. For all of the complaining I did back then about the people I went to school with, they were smart and many of them were extremely good students.

I suppose I'm feeling nostalgic lately, but I really do miss some things about college. It's where I went from opinionated but confused to informed-opinionated-feminist-liberal-independent (ironic, I know, given the conservative nature of the school, but I had great profs). It's where I got to discuss Shakespeare like I fantasized about in middle school but couldn't because I was already very not cool and that would not have helped my case. Anyway, this is just to say that I'm happy to be done with school, but still find my old undergrad campus extremely romantic.

The Greek Food Festival of Dallas

2011-09-26T10:24:00.000-05:00

Thanks, Georgakis family! We love you!

Soccer Season

2011-09-25T17:59:00.000-05:00

It's that time of year again. We've been doing this since he was three and I always look forward to it. I particularly love the fields at practice time (dusk, my favorite time of day) in the fall. That first chill is in the air and the fields are quiet, the ringing of children's voices sounds distant thanks to the sprawl. There are hay bails on the other side of the fence. I spread out my blanket and lay in the grass to watch him practice. The other parents usually drop their kids off, but I love to watch or just read a book and enjoy the cooling day. I feel most mom-like during soccer season, and I enjoy that feeling. I've been in some sort of nesting phase lately, ready to build a little home, nurture and provide. To be a great mom. I fuss over things (the right water bottle to take to his soccer game, not steaming the vegetables for more than 10 minutes so they're extra nutritious) and yet am a lot more fun than I used to be (letting him drink a sugary non-coffee frappucino now and then, or buy an extra book at when we go to the book store). I enjoy the ritual of pulling on shin guards and tying cleats (and then promptly getting my foot stepped on). I'm relishing these things like I used to before everything went sour for me a few years ago, but I'm appreciative of them like I never have been before. Here are some pictures I took as the sun set at soccer practice the other night, when I was perfectly content and happy. Not missing New York or thinking about the job and house and family that I still don't have, just happy to be there in that moment being a mom.

Downton Abbey

2011-09-23T16:41:00.001-05:00

I love a British period piece as much as the next gal, but usually they are reserved for those days when illness (or monthly affliction) has me resigned to my bed with a pint of Coconut Bliss feeling sorry for myself.

That was before Downton Abbey. Have you watched? Do you love? I'm obsessed. There are only 7 episodes (until it returns in January) but they have been consuming my days! I love the characters, the drama, the castle they film in, the English...ness. THE CLOTHES! I love it. It follows the lives of an aristocratic family and their servants in the years just before WWI. The study of a crumbling class system and country on the verge of war are interesting, but I am particularly interested in the nuanced female characters. I'm so happy that in recent years even some period dramas have begun to deeper explore the lives and minds of women within their societal roles.

I can't wait for the second season. (How will they handle the war?!) The first is on Netflix (and I think rebroadcasting on PBS from time to time, especially now that it's won Emmys) and you should watch it. Maggie Smith's one-liners are reason alone.

All I can think about right now...

2011-09-20T21:20:00.000-05:00

FIRST, A NOTE: I was foolish to suggest that the job situation is hardest on 20-somethings that have recently graduated. As my friend Moya pointed out, things are tough for everyone right now and I'm sure it's incredibly frustrating to be several years into your career and hitting these brick walls, especially when you've worked hard and done exceptional work for a long time. My heart goes out to anyone who is dealing with this. It's rough. The unique problem that I and my friends that are around my age have run into is being offered little-to-no money because we are young, which suggests we have the luxury of not needing the paycheck and are naive enough to not know our own value. Well, many of us are self-supported (some of us have families to support) and we're getting sucked into these catch-22 situations where we don't have a salary history and therefore don't have any leverage to request a salary worthy of our skills. I truly hope things start looking up for all of us.

With that said, this is all I can think about today:

A balcony in Greece that looks out at the sea and the flowiest dress imaginable (courtesy of the Man Repeller).

I want this in my life.

with all my fellow unemployed 20-something college graduates in mind...

2011-09-19T21:08:00.001-05:00

I've had a hard time organizing my thoughts lately. (Hence the lack of posting.)

I'm frustrated that I still haven't found a job, but I'm even more frustrated by all the chatter about my generation's plight in this economy. Every week it seems there's a new article in the news about how bleak our futures are, what with all the student loans, the lack of jobs and minuscule salaries. Most of them suggest that we buck up, enjoy living back home with our parents and find a hobby to keep us busy during this tough time (I'm not kidding, this was in the New York Times). They suggest getting creative, creating our own jobs or working multiple part time jobs. Like it just... works that way.

Even worse, there's been quite a bit of talk in my own field (a very long email exchange that had me pulling my hair out all weekend) about the massively reduced salaries for new positions, most of which are short term and not very prevalent at all. I don't know how to proceed. If I had known two years ago that it would be like this, would I have followed my passion down this road? I don't know. But here I am and I've got to make it work.

My specialization is film archiving and preservation. I want to work in an archive or library and my long term goal is to restore this beautiful old movie theater in Denton, Texas. I want to get to a place where I can make movies. I've got a plan but where is the money, right? That's what I'm trying to figure out. I wait, I work, I email, I call, I apply, I wait. I often wonder what I'm doing, and the best I can come up with is - what I can. I know I'm not alone in this and I don't mean to complain, but I do have a dream and I'm working hard for it. I spent a lot of years making nothing or next to nothing, working around the clock for people who told me I should be grateful for the experience of working for them... of doing their work. Still, I and others my age are so frequently told that we should be satisfied not making enough to live on or even interning for free because we're getting invaluable experience, getting the "perks" of working at respected institutions, and so on. I'm ready for some recognition. Nothing big, just a title, a desk and a paycheck would be nice. I want to see my friends' hard work pay off. We could have it worse, sure, but why has the door we were always told was just in front of us suddenly shut? Where's the window?

I don't have much else to report (another reason my blog has been quiet). I've started getting up at 5:30am to work out - something I would have thought entirely impossible two weeks ago before I started boot camp. Now I can't imagine starting my day any other way. I'm eating healthy, boosting my metabolism, meditating on my health and movement. I want to dance again so I'm waking my body up.

I'm spending all of my time with my boy. I pack his lunches, send him off and miss him so much while he's at school. We go to the local farmer's market on Saturdays and eat frozen watermelon. He's difficult and brilliant and wonderful.

I miss Taso, so I wait till October when I can be in my best friend's arms again, in the city that I love.

This is what I can do right now.

A story.

2011-09-07T14:10:00.000-05:00

On Sunday B and I picked up my best friend Justin, his boyf William and their cute friend Cody and went to Fort Worth. On the way out to the car, he said, "Oh, mom, I forgot something, I'll be right back!" And while I started the car, he ran inside, slipped off the nice navy shorts I made him wear and ran back out to the car wearing the mesh soccer shorts he wanted to wear. Of course I didn't realize this until it was too late to turn around. Oh well, I thought, he should be allowed to wear what he wants... pick your battles, Brittan. We had a delicious vegan brunch with our friends at my favorite restaurant, Spiral Diner. All was well. B got his unlimited pancakes and I got my vegan blueberry pie. I could write a book about the merits of this pie...

But I digress...

After brunch we went to the Kimbell Art Museum for a little art history lesson. B enjoyed reading some of the notes and checking the dates to see how old each piece was, but was over it much quicker than he used to be. By this point I was irritated but, okay, maybe nine-year-olds don't have the same patience for art as six-year-olds and after going to the MoMA, maybe Fort Worth's options weren't as impressive as they used to be. Then, as if to prove to me once and for all that he's abandoned any effort of being charming and polite anymore, he farted loudly - more than once - in the quiet galleries, deeply offending a security guard.

It was time to leave.

We went outside and spent some time playing in the big sculpture outside while Justin drafted his Fantasy Football team on his phone. The sculpture is designed to amplify sound and is sturdy enough that you can run around inside, screaming, banging on its walls and creating a symphony of noise.

This entertained us for as long as it took Justin to draft his starting line, but eventually B grew tired of even this. All he was interested in was going back to Justin's house and finding the most violent video game he could get away with playing (that T rating is misleading, is it not, moms?) and gluing himself to it. I was discouraged. It seems the older he gets, the ruder, grosser, smellier and the less motivated. That's not to say he is any of those things in full but he just seems to be less interested in being at his best... ever.

Feeling like a failure as a mother (as I do, frequently), I took him home and went off for some alone time, just me and the sewing machine. He was in need of new pajama pants and I was in need of a task that required patience and allowed room for thought. His legs never stop growing. They're always sore and often so awkward that they can barely walk a straight line. They burst through the knees of his jeans and grow a full size every few months. His feet are bigger than mine and, I realized, his mind is racing to keep up with his ever-growing frame. I need to have more patience and give him more freedom, but how can I be sure that I'm still guiding him in the right direction and giving him everything he needs at this point in his life?

It wasn't until I finished the first pair of pajama pants, blue and white extra soft flannel, that I realized I hadn't heard a peep from him in a few hours. I called him in to try them on and he excitedly bounced into the room, instructed me to keep my eyes shut and lead me by the hand out of the room. He had something to show me. Standing in his bedroom doorway, I opened my eyes to see every inch of his walls, floor to ceiling, covered in little works of art done in marker, pencil, construction paper and watercolor. "I made an art gallery!!!"

And, just like that, my heart rose back up to its proper place and I decided that maybe we're doing alright after all.

the end of august (good riddance).

2011-09-04T22:13:00.000-05:00

Not much to say lately, I suppose.

I went to Austin to meet my career hero and see Vertigo in 70mm. Both went very well.

Hitchcock movies should always be seen big, if you ask me... but I do have a special weakness for 70mm film. We just get each other. It's BIG and immersive and I have a fantastical imagination. We work well together. It was double great seeing it at the Paramount because you always feel a little fancy walking in there. (I regrettably took this picture once the marquee had been changed but we did, in fact, see Vertigo.) I think it's so cool that they did an entire series based on a format. Sounds like something I would (will?) do...

It was also wonderful being with my best friends.

Sometimes you go to barbecue places even though you're vegetarian because that's what you do when you like like someone. Also fried okra... it's not doing me any favors but I'm not complaining.

It was just fun being in Austin where I can buy popcorn tofu (by the pound, just FYI) and the heat doesn't seem as terrible even though it's actually hotter. I can't go all the time like I used to so I appreciate it more now.

Then Taso moved back to New York for the rest of the year and I was sad.

Taso's big fat Greek 24th birthday

2011-08-30T15:59:00.001-05:00

Taso's birthday was Friday and it was the most fun ever.

Complete with new pants

and lots of presents. His dad sent him on a wild goose chase to find his present (the video is hilarious) and his mom got him probably a dozen books that would make a normal person's head hurt (I think my old thesis homie Walter Benjamin's entire canon was featured). The rest of us hooked him up too.

There was a huge Greek feast at Greek Isles (owned by a family friend Gus and unbiasedly the best Greek food - maybe the best food food - I've ever had) with family and friends.

At the end of the night Gus and Taso's dad taught us all to dance like proper Greeks.

It was, honestly, the most fun.

I'm slow to blog lately.

Bogged down in LIFE and what not, but I had to say a public XRONIA POLLA to dude.

All cleaned up for 4th grade.

2011-08-22T09:39:00.001-05:00

The boy's hair was out of control.

I support his decision to be a long haired hippie and what not, but this mess needed to be tamed.

After a disastrous cut that ended up looking like a little girl's bob (how hard is a decent cut for a boy who wants to keep his hair longish, really?), we decided to try out Floyd's 99 Barbershop on Mockingbird.

All I can say is... THANK YOU, TERRINDA! You made my boy happy and handsome for 4th grade.

It's long enough that he still looks cool but short enough that he can't hide behind it and pout when he gets mad at me. Sheesh, what a mom I've become.

I would love to show you adorable first day of school pictures but this what I have instead. Lovely. He had a tummy ache (nerves, I think) and an attitude this morning so we left the house late, full of pouts and with un-brushed hair. Can't win them all, I guess. Of note are his school uniform, the shorts of which are a size 12 (what?!), his new classic Vans which are a size 6 (that's a men's size, just FYI - doubt what?!), his backpack that has held up like new since pre-K six years ago (whaaaa?!) and his beloved Boba Fett lunch box which is the only thing on his person that does not make me feel obscenely old.

The napkin note I packed in his lunch box today said:

"It is our choices that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities." -- Albus Dumbledore

Let this be your motto in 4th grade. Be a Gryffindor!"

That's my hope as we brave a year of more homework, two musical instruments, rigorous testing for the gifted and talented school and, most significantly, getting our lives together back on track.

2011-08-21T04:49:00.000-05:00

it's only just hitting me that i don't live in new york anymore.

i felt at home in new york in a way that i've never felt anywhere else. i would fly back to the city after being away and the second i slipped into a cab, sunk low in my seat and watched the buildings roll by -- first brownstones then skyscrapers -- i would take a deep breath, suck it all in, and then exhale for the first time since i left. i felt anonymous among the crowds and lost in the labyrinth of its many neighborhoods. it was no place for self importance or absorption. i was no one and that humbling feeling empowered me to become whatever i wanted. and so, with nothing to focus on but surviving and thriving, i found a home for myself in the city's streets, parks, libraries, classrooms, bars, movie theaters, museums and subways. i felt at all times like a visitor in those places (because no one owns that city) but always at home. i understand why now.

new york offers people like me, who felt they had so outgrown whatever place they were coming from that they could not bear to stay another day, a constant challenge. it's a challenge to find an apartment, learn to navigate, buy groceries, work long hours and make friends, yes, but the real challenge is in making that time between morning coffee and evening collapse worth something. i don't think it's possible to live there and not hate it just as much as you fall deeply in love with it, and i don't think it's possible to not be changed by it. new york fit so well because my life there was only mine. i created it and every day i carved it out and discovered a new part of myself in it, until i was completely found. while i was busy trying to get by, having breakdowns, never sleeping, having the time of my life, falling in love or just chopping vegetables in my kitchen, i wasn't dwelling on myself (probably for the first time in my life) but i was going through the greatest growth i have yet to experience. by the time i left i had found a portable, constant home inside of myself and a landscape that would allow me to live there.

despite how terrible everything was at times, i had inner calm and outer focus by the end of it.

when i see chelsea on tv i say, "that's my neighborhood!" even though my time there was short and feels like a lifetime ago now. chelsea will always be mine because i walked its piers and breathed for the first time in my life. that first night in my apartment on 24th i walked to whole foods to stock up and felt absolutely elated, happier and more peaceful that i had ever felt in my life, full of more potential than i ever imagined possible. i enrolled my son in p.s. 11 and walked him down 8th ave. every morning. after he left i fought every single day to pull on my boots and trudge through the snow, to come home and watch the olympics alone, to go through a long distance breakup and to work long, hard hours while facing disillusionment. i cried, i broke down and i lived on rice for a month. i earned chelsea.

in brooklyn i actually was home. swinny and sam gave me a family. prospect park gave me sunshine and green grass and danielle and baby k. the roof of my building and the walls of #apt2b hold more meaning for me than words can do justice. those days, those bonds are a part of who i am now, and it feels very strange to be separated from them. there are other things, like the cathartic trips to new jersey when i could barely get out bed, strolling through moma's galleries after hours and the red line between crown heights and washington heights, that make me feel as though i lived out several lifetimes while i was there. of course i didn't. i didn't even do anything spectacular and then, of course, i had to leave.

now i'm in dallas, where i am nearly overtaken by negative feelings every time i drive into the city. i'm stressed out by the traffic, the heat, the lack of jobs and by having to watch people with inflated egos take advantage of each other. i've become reclusive, sticking to days with b and nights on the couch with taso. as long as i'm home with them, i'm very happy... but i'm uncomfortable. i suppose this is where i take all of those wonderful things i learned in new york and apply them in a less ideal environment. i can do that. i am doing that. it's just that...

sometimes i miss new york so much it hurts deep in my gut. i long for the steam rising out of the underground, the slow elevator rides, the unavoidable and constant contact with the world around me and the daily challenge to keep going, take one more day of it, succeed or go home. wherever that is.

ten things.

2011-08-15T14:04:00.001-05:00

1. I, the unluckiest gal in the world, just won a Princess Lasertron giveaway! She's a business owner, creative, mom, hip lady and I love her blog. She did little mini giveaways based on themes and I won the "home" one, which is ironic because I don't have a home. But! In some strange way this motivates me even more to make one for myself. Oh, how I crave a home. Thank you, Megan, for the kind note and box of goodies for sprucing up my temporary home.

2. I met the City of Dallas archivist the other day and, I have to tell you, it was really interesting to see what the city chooses to archive for posterity, what records get used regularly and what fascinating gems they have hidden away. I got see original photos, documents and other such from the JFK assassination. It also really struck me how undervalued even the most important archives are. Almost across the board they find it difficult to get funding, staff, space and use, despite their often extremely valuable holdings. We take for granted that we have (or have access to) footage, records, photos and knowledge of important events in our history that are usually carefully maintained by one dedicated person. Which brings me to my next point...

3. I need a job. Thus begins a career of trying to convince people to give me money to do something they're not convinced is important. But how great would it be if I could organize a really amazing collection of old films, make a preservation plan for it, schedule monthly screenings of films from it and teach a class on preservation? Oh, and also afford a place for B and I to live. Pretty great. (Hire me!)

4. I'm reading David Stenn's Clara Bow biography, Runnin' Wild, and it's fantastic. Her life was the MOST thrilling and tragic! Also, Hollywood has always been terrible.

5. Taso called the antique shop in Houston to try to buy my grandmother's cat but she was already sold. I'm touched by his sweetness, but so bummed that I didn't rescue it when I had the chance.

6. My friend James is so cool. He owns Spiral Diner with his rad wife Amy and makes movies. The Modern Art Museum of Fort Worth hosted a night of his films and I finally got to see Pioneer (which he produced - it's beautiful) and Knife (which he directed). If you get a chance to see either one, take it.

7. Taso's birthday is coming up. I forced him to delay going back to New York till after it, and I'm planning a day of Taso-style fun. Pretty excited. Still not thinking about the going back to New York part that follows.

8. I got my StickyGram magnets! It was so hard to pick only nine photos. You try it: stickygram.com. I think I did a good job, what do you think?

9. B finished swim team lessons (to prepare kids to be on the team) and he decided he doesn't want to be a swimmer. I think the most he got out of the lessons was how to run, screaming, arms flailing off the diving board (see below). But he's started guitar lessons, soccer season started up again this week, school starts next Monday and piano will kick back in soon after that, so he'll be plenty busy. The older he gets the clearer it is that he's a musician, not an athlete. He's coordinated, fast and strong but he just has no interest in putting forth effort at sports. In truth, soccer is more a headache for me than anything else. He insists on doing it (I think we're in our 7th season), but he could care less about actually playing the game. Oh well. Hopefully we have a future at Booker T. Washington High School for the Performing Arts in our future.

10. Last night Taso and I saw Rise of the Planet of the Apes and 30 Minutes or Less at the Inwood Theater in Dallas. He hates the Inwood, I love it for nostalgic reasons but have to admit that it's pretty dingy and the presentation is lacking. I think it has the potential to turn around, theaters just need to invest a little more in quality projectionists. Also the Love Sac sofas in the downstairs house were just a bad, bad idea. We had similar thoughts about the movies, liked the cast of 30 Minutes or Less and thought it was funny but had already forgotten it by the drive home. Planet of the Apes was great... er than I was expecting! I actually really liked it, perhaps even more than Taso. The CGI was well done and it was super entertaining. Some of the plot lines went unexplained or didn't make much sense (Freida Pinto's character was wildly underdeveloped and could have added more to the story; the science was pretty silly) but I enjoyed it. I wish I could go to the movies every day.

TMI

2011-08-15T12:09:00.000-05:00

IUD periods.

Are.

The worst.

There is an 86% chance I am actually going into labor. Except I'm not, I'm just having an IUD period. This is #4 since I had it put in and I remember every single one. How -- HOW -- do women do this for years on end? 10 years, really?! I can't even walk right now. This is majorly cramping my style. Pun intended, athankyouverymuch.

what's next?

2011-08-12T09:39:00.001-05:00

This summer has been discouraging. I've applied for countless jobs and gotten nowhere. I've sent my thesis to dozens of people and not heard back from one. On top of that, I am slowly losing my dream to someone who doesn't love it or need it like I do and there's nothing I can do about it. So, fine, I pick myself up and move on to... what?

I don't know what I'm feeling right now. I always have a plan or a project or something big that I'm working on and, somehow, it always works out... but I am totally stumped this time. All I know is that I need a job. I need something that will support a small family and that I can be good at. Dreams can wait. Right now all I care about is being able to take care of these two:

I'm lost in thought today. Searching for answers.

I miss Brooklyn and Apt. 2B so much.

2011-08-10T13:56:00.000-05:00

Apt. 2B and the women who live there.

This is Sam singing our apartment's theme song.

I love him.

2011-08-09T11:50:00.000-05:00

Gregg and I had very similar feelings about Ricky's performance on last week's So You Think You Can Dance.

When he visited me in New York he made this video. All of this is probably not funny to anyone but me. But maybe a little bit if you watch SYTYCD or have ever been to the Natural History Museum or are Justin Ables.

That is all.

Leaving Houston, Agora Coffee and the only vegan at the BBQ

2011-08-07T21:49:00.000-05:00

I'm a week behind, aren't I?

A week ago today we left Houston. The official purpose of our trip - to check out some art house theaters - turned out to be kind of a bust, but we had a good time. An extremely friendly gentleman at one of the antique stores we visited told us, upon learning that Taso is Greek (I have a big mouth), that we HAD to visit Agora Coffee. Oh, and right he was. (I fully planned on giving Agora its own post before I realized that I was a week behind and needed to get on with it.) Forget charming, trendy little coffee shops. This place was big, warm and inviting with dark wood paneling, high, beamed ceilings and friendly people. I don't drink coffee normally but there are no rules on vacation, and thinking about it as a treat makes me value when it's good even more. I had Agora's frappe, the Greek version of iced coffee, made with soy milk and topped off with a perfect foam. It. Was. Heavenly. Seriously, I've had dreams about this drink. God bless those little Greek guys for bringing it to Texas. Sitting there sipping my cold drink in that dark coffee shop, thinking about Taso's heritage and how much I want to go to Greece, was one of the best moments of the trip for me. I even bought one of their pretty little cups.

Finally, we decided to stop for lunch before leaving town. On a bit of a whim we picked a BBQ place we'd seen next to the antique store with my grandma's cat. (If that wasn't a strange sentence...) A BBQ place with a small menu is probably the last place you'd expect to find me, but I'm more than used to taking care of myself at un-veg-friendly places and I was looking forward to the adventure. It turned out 100% for the best. I couldn't have asked for a more pleasant place to sit, escape the heat and people watch. Also, if you went to school with me in New York (all six of you) you know just how long and hard I'd been craving a good baked potato, the kind you can only get at a place like this.

We left Houston pregnant with comfort food babies and happy from a surprisingly relaxing weekend.

Houston: Museums, Antiquing, Death by Heat

2011-08-05T03:05:00.000-05:00

You know how the sun has inexplicably moved closer to the earth and we are all on the verge of death by heat exhaustion? I thought the over-100 temperatures and oppressive sun were miserable in Dallas, but you throw a little Gulf air and dragon breath into the mix and you have summer 2011 in Houston.

Yep, Saturday was to be spent leisurely and INDOORS.

We sought out a little coffee house for breakfast that sounded perfect and adorable, and indeed was perfect and adorable (a little bungalow with a bridge in front and awesome menu of drinks and homemade snacks) until we got to the front door and realized it had recently closed. I was so disappointed I even deleted the pictures I took of it. But fate stepped in and lead us to coffee shop #2, Inversion (on Montrose), which was not only open but had a taco truck in its parking lot! Life is awesome... and so were those breakfast tacos. *drool* The coffee shop was connected to the Art League and you could definitely tell by the decor. Such a cool place to enjoy gigantic breakfast tacos, an Americano and air conditioning.

From there we headed to the museum district. So many museums in such a small area!

We started at the Fine Arts Museum and ended up spending most of our early afternoon there. It was nice and cold (doesn't that lobby look chilly) and featured a lovely array of artifactual art from around the world. There are few things I enjoy more than taking my time strolling around gallery spaces with someone who can both make me laugh and seriously appreciate art. There was a Venetian exhibit on loan from Scotland that looked amazing but was super expensive so we stuck to the other ample offerings and tried to casually sneak a peak. I also snuck a couple lopsided pictures while I was being sucked into another dimension by way of these blue hallways.

On our quest to not pay admission, we visited the Contemporary Arts Museum. It was fun but I was quickly lured away by the gift shop. Don't those Pantone mugs look like something I need? I bought B some fun little erasers for a back-to-school package I'm making him and, after some internal struggle over wanting to enjoy the lovely scenery of the area and also not melt, we were on our way. Even the crosswalks were works of art!

I threw a little bit of a fit over not stopping at antiques shops on our trip down from New York, so it was an unspoken rule that I get my fill on this trip. Houston is full of cute antique and vintage shops, but I stuck to antiques so as not to be too tempted to buy clothes. I was hoping for nothing more than a hunt for old reels of a film and pining over antique furniture that I can't afford, and definitely didn't expect to spend any money.

We were having a great, if strange, time. I spotted this cat in one shop and recognized it instantly as one that used to sit in the front entry way of my Great-Grandma Maree's house. After closely examining it several times, pacing around and furiously texting pictures of it to my family, I began to second guess myself. Grandma Maree lived in San Antonio... How would this have ended up in Houston? Would my aunt really have sold it off at the estate sale? It was so important to me as a child, why wouldn't they have given it to me? We left the shop without buying the cat (I was still trying not to spend money and just couldn't be sure) when I got a text confirming that this had to be the old kitty I used to name and pretend to play with when I was little. I'm still kicking myself for not buying it.

At another shop I spotted this awesomely awkward Scarlett O'Hara plate and thought instantly of Swinny, my old Apt2B-mate and fellow 1939 movie enthusiast. The picture below speaks for itself.

I would be lying if I said this was the first time this has happened to us. Still, it never ceases to freak me the eff out (and make me love her). So, the day was already going well when fate lead us here...

We found and were excitedly scoping out a shelf of old Super 8mm and 16mm cameras and some old empty film reels when a gentleman came up and asked if we were looking for anything in particular. I asked if he had any reels of film - home movies, news film, cartoons, anything. He didn't but he just so happened to have a massive box of old slides out back, would I care to take a look? Obviously.

What he brought out a few seconds later blew. my. mind. Old cases filled with 35mm Kodachrome slides from the 30s, 40s and 50s and an old carousel projector. As we poured through the slides, examining them in the light one by one, I became downright giddy. Pictures of GIs in uniform, beautiful ladies lounging in front of a mid-40s era Cadillac, well-dressed men on a trip to Reno, breathtaking shots of flowers and mountains, the colors somehow still perfectly preserved on beautiful Kodachrome. For half an hour I dug through the hundreds of slides and read the handwritten shot lists (dated 1952) as he tried to decide whether or not he would be willing to part with this treasure. Finally, he said: "I suppose if I said I would sell these to you for $1 a slide you would freak out, right?" I didn't answer, just stared back stone faced. There was no way I could ever do that. "But... I guess I would be willing to sell you the whole thing for $60... including the projector." ...What? YES. Yes. Right now. Let's do this. We shoved everything back into boxes and I practically dragged Taso to the cash register, as though I were afraid this wonderful man might change his mind. If you're questioning my sanity right now, just know that slides like this go for $25 a slide on Ebay. However, as I told him, that salesman probably found one of the only people in the world who has no interest in ever selling a single one.

Practically high on our success and nearly dead from the heat, we debated just collapsing in our room to watch the X-games (skateboard vert competition - very big deal round these parts) but decided to cap the night with a meal at #2 on my List - Beavers. I was outrageously mislead by the goofy name and website. It's actually a gorgeous (but casual) space with a fantastic chef and quite creative menu. The vegan gumbo and cornbread was to die for. When we arrived we were seated in a booth directly in front of a TV showing, what else, the X-games.

Taso was glued.

Shaun White killed it on the vert ramp, Chef Jonathan Jones killed it in the kitchen and I felt like a million bucks.

Houston: Road Tripping, Space and Greeks

2011-08-03T15:42:00.000-05:00

So we took a little trip to Houston.

I can't say that I was too excited about Houston at first. Excited to get away, absolutely. Excited for an intimate little road trip, always. Excited to visit some art house theaters, YES. (Especially after how cool the Belcourt was.) But... Houston? Meh. My most prominent memory of Houston was the family road trip to NASA when I was 10, on which I lost my favorite teddy bear. I had family in Galveston when I was younger and tired of the Gulf Coast's disappointing beaches. But! I have since become something of an expert at travel planning and had a best friend to go with me, so I did some research and went with an open mind.

For the first half of the trip down Taso drove with one purpose in mind: to find Bucees. Bucees is the travel stop to end all travel stops, and he's been talking about it for years. It did not disappoint.

He also has a little secret that I'm going to let you in on. Taso wants to be an astronaut. He's obsessed with all things space and has not-ironically wanted a NASA jacket for a long time. It was a must that we visit the Space Center first and foremost.

His enthusiasm made the whole thing so fun, even the boring little driving tour that ended with us getting completely drenched in a surprise thunderstorm. (Actually, that may have been my favorite part. I love rain and surprises.)

I loved the strange contrast of space with Texas prairie.

Things got a little weird by the end of our journey. Let's just call it space madness.

As for me, I lean toward skepticism. I'm fascinated by space, but I found NASA to be a little too fake and outdated. I'd like to know more about the brilliant minds that run the space program and the mysteries and secrets they must hold. I'm a little bit of a conspiracy theorist (just a little bit), so I found myself looking sideways at the "astronaut training station" and half-hearted exhibits. It was still really cool and we've been searching out books and documentaries about space ever since. (Recommendations welcome!)

After a stop at the hotel to wash the thunderstorm out of my hair, we went to #1 on my "Places We Must Eat" list for dinner: Niko Nikos. Neither of us had any idea that Houston has a big Greek population! Taso is Greek (obviously) and I've been trying to learn the language all summer, so this was a super exciting revelation. Niko Nikos is a wildly popular (read: constantly packed) casual Greek diner with a huge menus of legit dishes. I threw my still-wet hair up on top of my head and well... we both tried to look our best.

There were pretty little murals of Greek islands painted around the perimeter and it had a definite diner vibe. The service was kind of terrible and we had to fight for a table, but the food was delicious. Taso's dad's best friend owns a Greek restaurant in Dallas that's spectacular and has set our standards pretty high, but for a casual, quick place, Niko Nikos stacked up. We decided that if we lived in Houston it would be our go-to takeout place.

It was a perfect Friday, a long drive out of town, good food, peaceful sleep and Taso got his NASA jacket. More importantly, we discovered our favorite area of Houston (where we would spend the rest of our weekend) around the museum district and north up Montrose to endless vintage shops, bookstores and cute coffee houses.

haso tockey

2011-07-27T20:54:00.000-05:00

awesome, right?

i wish his last name was really zissou.

pickup hockey games are a fun way to spend a week night.

he's really good too.

being green.

2011-07-26T19:34:00.000-05:00

after getting into a routine that looks like this:

i decided to live it up this past weekend by eating dairy and not working out.

and i feel... bad.

bad bad bad.

which is good because that means physically, on the whole, i'm feeling... better?

yep, the green monster and farmers market are my friends.

i've been working out at the rec center while b goes to swim team and i've found that i (with the help of lady gaga and britney) can pack a good little workout into 45 minutes. i feel so much better than i did a month ago, have an easier time waking up (this is a long running problem for me) and am more physically and emotionally resilient when my body feels healthy, which is great considering the stress my emotions are under.

this is all obvious, right?

well it's hot like the fires of hades right now and that kind of weather puts me in a bad mood or, as the lovely meg put it, turns me into a terrible person. when i'm terrible i'm far less likely to take the time to be nice to myself and a catch 22 situation is born. so here are the little things i'm doing to keep my head in the right place:

mini yoga sessions whenever i need them
kale/spinach/fruit/flaxseed/ice "green monster"
arugula just, like, all the time
little prayers of thanks
meditation on my goals
reading
water

i've also taken to making my own dressing (usually evoo, ginger, tamari, whatever fresh herb i have on hand, raw honey and sometimes even a little flaxseed meal whipped up in the food processor) to pour over my salad and steamed veggies, and some variation on the super healthy cookie crumble found at the bottom of this post. (meg is getting a lot of love in this post. maybe because her blog so often inspires me to be healthy.) both are delicious and make me feel like i'm pigging out.

i grew up on boxed mac n cheese, canned vegetables, ramen noodles and water only if it was added to a sugary drink mix - the diet of a latchkey kid. but i was also a dancer and learned to be very in tune with my body, especially as a teenager. my physical and emotional (spiritual?) beings have always been deeply connected, and i'm still walking the long, confusing path toward properly aligning them. it's never really been a goal for me as much as a journey that began when i became vegetarian at age 10.

i still eat handfuls of my son's popcorn at the movies just because it's there and have homer simpson-esque daydreams about the vegetarian poutine i devoured in toronto, but i try in the day-to-day to spend time picking out and preparing healthy food and taking care of myself.

i just want to be better.

I got a car!

2011-07-23T01:47:00.001-05:00

and i washed it so well that you could see the sky in it.

now before you go thinking that i'm fancy...

it's a 2002 and it was so cheap it was practically a gift. i got the hookup.

but it's mine and it's perfect and i'm back on the road.

(but still desperately missing nyc and public transit.)

app recommendation: MacGourmet

2011-07-20T10:29:00.000-05:00

this is for mac users who love to cook.

go to the app store right now and purchase this.

i may be the last person in my generation to embrace the e-reader (it will never happen) and i may mourn the death of the handwritten letter, but i do worship at the alter of steve jobs for making my life more organized.

on getting sleep and cheering up.

2011-07-19T00:10:00.000-05:00

It is miraculous what a solid 8 hours can do.

I was in the worst mood yesterday (oh, you couldn't tell?), mostly mad that I'd missed chances to see friends who are leaving town and moving. I felt so isolated as I was slaving away over my thesis and now I'm back here with nothing much to do but still find that I'm always missing my friends. Wah wah, right? I threw a pity party and then realized how stupid it was and am over it.

Bright side: I had a great time bonding with B all weekend, even if he was sick for much of it. We got out of the house a bit to explore Anthropologie (he says he hated it but he was just as into sorting through all the little door knobs and handles as I was), Barnes and Noble and Central Market. It's so hot here, sometimes you just have to go into air conditioned places and browse. We watched lots of movies, cooked meals together and hung out. These days that we're getting to spend together are so precious to me.

I'm resolving to not let my lack of money dictate my mood so much. I'm better than that. I'm resolving to take care of my body and mind a little better, sleep more. So let it be written, so let it be done.